The Only Time I'll Write About This. (M.W.)

  You kissed me , just once, with your ashtray breath and smiled. I looked away, like I always do, and wondered why I didn't mind. My heart jumped and I thought  about whether this was a mistake in the making. And, more importantly, if it would even be worth it.


I had a feeling you were using me. And yet, so desperate and wanting of any attention, any ounce of care, I didn't worry at first. I believed I could change your mind, because my head is in the clouds and I wish and dream too much. You held my hand and faked sweet hugs and words that really didn't mean shit. I never believed you. You wanted me sometimes and you thought you were cool. There's nothing fucking cool about what you did to me.


You started acting strange and I walked away and felt stupid. You're an awful liar and no one believed a word you fucking said. But it still hurt.


Then? without any warning, things were happening again. The beer and captain impaired my judgement and I let you have another kiss. Sitting on the cold concrete steps outside your bestfriend's house, you pressed yourself close to me and kissed me again. I kissed you back, and you asked me, 'Can I just do one thing? Please?' I told you 'I don't know'. Because I was sad it's all you wanted. You told me 'Don't worry, I don't mean sex, I'm not worried about that'. You really are an awful liar.




So you ended up doing that one thing. And then you wanted more things. You wanted to see, you said. And I didn't fucking want to let you. But I did.



You were lying on the ground with the sky above you and it was dark. At least, I thought it was, I couldn't see too well. You gestured for a kiss so i knelt down, and kissed your neck. Then you showed me 'something'.




We were underneath the street lamp. I don't have any memory of how we got there. On the sidewalk. I felt the leaves underneath me sigh and whisper disapproval. Number 3. I don't remember the important parts even if I rack my brain, but I remember when you pleaded with me, 'I'll remember this as the best night of my life. Don't you want to be the first?'





Honestly? NO FUCKING WAY.