when I sit
and watch people in pairs...
when I walk
and examine the world...
when I lie in bed
and numb my cold limbs...
when I sit
sipping coffee
to prop my eyelids open
and watch people in pairs
drifting by...
when I walk
clutching notebooks
blue fingers and lips
and examine the world
ideas dissolving into one another...
when I lie in bed
waiting
so maybe I can quit coffee
and numb my cold limbs
one by one...
when I sit
sipping coffee
early mornings
to prop my eyelids open
and watch people in pairs
drifting by
more often than not, hand in hand...
when I walk
clutching notebooks
down University Avenue
blue fingers and lips
and examine the world
ideas dissolving into one another
because I cannot let them out...
when I lie in bed
waiting
to be taken
so maybe I can quit coffee
and numb my cold limbs
one by one
looking down upon my blue self...
... I miss you.
hm...
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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impressive
You are a skillful writer able to use the poet's tools to convey such strong emotions. Your language, form and powers of description are excellent.
ivoire
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This is a very emotive piece ...partly for the repetition and coldness and the numbness referred to as bodily feelings are just those of the emotions.
Their is a sense of the futility of life in this....yet even in all this I sense a great underlying strength in you....a strength to go on......and also a feeling of great integrity in the aloneness.
Aloneness can lead to great things ...to having the guts to be just yourself....and in the end contributing so much to the world!
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Lovely.
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i like the formatting as well on this piece, it begins kind of muddled up thoughts of someone lonely but then they kind of become complete coherent thoughts, i love how it affects me when i read it, it kept me thinking and reminded me of myself and how i feel at times... Its relatable
good write -
Well Done
I like the way you formatted this piece, the way each thought grows until the whole write is pulled together. It seems to pick up momentum as it flows and feelings come alive as it does. I have to say this is a really cool way to express ones thoughts and emotions. I wouldnt change a thing. Well done!
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actually that doesnt seem to work as well as i thought.
ill just use it as an idea for something else. thanks for inspiring me to notice that. -
there is one thing i want to change.
i think im going to change the "i"s to "my legs" or "my body" to make the person seem more mechanical and just. a collection of body parts. to show how theyre kind of empty when theyre alone.
p.s. thanks for your comment. ill be sure to check out some of your work when i get a chance. -
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you are very welcome dear and I am going to look at more of your poetry because this first piece really caught my eye, so many write with forced rhyme and awkward flow, but this piece is very interesting, I'd really like to see what else you have.
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