Hands white with powder
caress soft, moist off-white dough
relish the yielding, knead and turn.
I smell, already, the heavens rising
pulled up from the oven,
permeating the kitchen
as soft white light
becomes tack-hard and glints off
round spoons and mirrored countertops.
When comes to me a buzz.
A sickly, fierce discordant buzz.
It comes
with sticky hairy legs
ugly wings not meant for soaring
fresh from the worm
from rot, from dung-corrupted grass.
And my stomach knots
teeth clench, hands grip
behind my eyes, a rising tide of red
festers there, unspeakable
and my hands turn rough
press in, dig in
penetrate innocent softness
rip and tear
until what's left
is suitable only for crumbs.
Author notes
Option 3: Wrath kills love
A contest entry
- Toss It In by Lolitax3.
900 points, ended September 16, 2009, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Good title for this poem!
Nicely penned and well deserved honorable mention! I liked the description put into this poem of yours. Thanks for sharing your poetry!
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Very cool~
This was interesting, and I liked it...It starts out with very delicate imagery, I can almost see Nonni kneading bread every day like she did. But, then comes the fly, something the speaker perceives as an intrusion, and the bread and the fly could be a huge metaphor for life, for every day events, and how the speaker perceives the way things should be, and what happens inside when things go awry.
The transition was great, almost spotty, but it helped...I have nothing but praise for this poem, I think some punctuation changes would help and only make this great poem better.
I really liked
"I smell, already, the heavens rising
pulled up from the oven,
permeating the kitchen"
Very cool imagery
BRANDON
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Ooh! I was feeling less-than-commenty at the beginning of this poem, then grew more interested as the smells permeated the kitchen and white light glinted off of spoons. I liked the way you repeated 'buzz' without making it seem repetitive. The phrasing was rhythmic and grabbed me. Then that whole disgusting bit about the fly turned this from a simple, pleasant poem into something evocative and different. Intriguing.
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"I smell, already, the heavens rising
pulled up from the oven,"
"ugly wings not meant for soaring
fresh from the worm"
I really like this, great analogy and amazing visual poetry
Congrats on HM
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wow..can hear your rising blood pressure and see the viens pop out in your hands as you vent and lose your control. very effective!
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Effective Tone
I think the tone is effective going from the pleasure of what is being created to the anger for what has been contaminated and is being destroyed.
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Love the title
So sad, I hope you don't feel like every good moment of your life is spoiled by an uninvited blight. I was so looking forward to having a slice of warm bread with you! The regret the reader feels when the loaf is destroyed is a testiment to your good writing skills. Good description of how a good day can turn to a bad one in an instant.
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Yes, I agree about looking forward to sharing some bread.. And the shredding of it at the end, so dissapointing in a non poetic sense
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amazing
love this - wow! I was thinking, ok making bread, homely, enjoying the sensations, the aroma; and then you reached into my peaceful moment and ripped it apart in front of my eyes. absolutely speechless - gifted!!
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I enjoyed the physicality of it. Very tactile. Avoid use of the word "it."
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I liked how straightforward this poem was, which is odd because I adore subtlety and vagueness. You really chose great words and metaphors for this, adding the perfect touch of drama to what could have been very mundane subject matter. I really enjoyed reading this, and I have to give you props for pulling this off beautifully.
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A Baker's Dozen
My favorite part is the turn in the poem when the fly enters. The concept is simple but described thoughtfully. I enjoyed this write.
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This was a really interesting piece. I like hwo you started it off. Keep up your great work!!! and congrats on your honorable mention.
TwiztidMaggot -
Great write! Deep, dark, and pure at the same time.
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