She stood once, tipped
over like a teakettle
twelve
stories
high.
It was beautiful –the birthday-cake candles of the city that
raked her face with its
reality.
She could see –far above –mountains that glared disapproving from white-peaked
ramblings –rises and
falls.
Hollow and expectant –she leaned farther
and farther, no longer trembling.
The delicious protests of noxious car horns, the lush chatter of
innumerable
individuals (that rose in an impossible element of excitement
from the sidewalk she planned would recieve her), she inhaled it
like a starving man attempts to feed on the
breath of a bone. She was
empty, she was
nothing
but a plastic shell –which would shatter.
Sufficiently disillusioned at last, she spread nail-tipped
wings that tingled
with the height –sent electric impulses
in vain.
She would pretend to fly as she fell –and this last irony intrigued her –until
without warning, without apology
she was stopped.
“Don’t lean so far over the edge, Honey.” Said her mother, voice all smiles like
Towels just evacuated from a homey dryer –
wrapped around themselves in
layers of kindly caresses.
Her soul burned, her heart
stuttered
and started once more –
she stepped back.
Author notes
Hope this fits the prompt.
m i c a e l a l s e t h
A contest entry
- All that I am. by propensity.
750 points, ended October 13, 2009, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hope, Strength, and Courage by HyperSoccergal8.
1500 points, ended November 7, 2009, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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great write, good luck in the contest =]
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I love this...
the imagery is wondrous. Feeling starved, smells of marrow arose to be snuffed out by the comforts beholden to warm fuzzy towels... and well crafted words. Splendid read, thank you.
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I don't know people continue to put their screen name, or even just their birth name in the author's notes. A pointless attempt at vanity. ANYWAY, aside from my peeves, I really do love this poem to an extreme.
The vocab is impressive and the metaphors are great in expressing the sullen emotion in the piece.
I'm not quite sure on why you chose the structure that you did, but to each their own; it was a bit distracting in the way that you separated one word from the rest of the verse in each stanza, but I don't know, maybe that's your own personal style.
The piece is wordy, but flows effortlessly and doesn't cause the reader to back up and wonder what they're actually reading.
I really enjoyed the beginning, with the unique imagery and the way you expressed the situation. Right away, the reader knows what's going on/what's about to be talked about, and yet you display it in such a new, innovative way.
The evolution of the piece is superb as well. Thank you for entering the contest, I enjoyed reading this.
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I'm sorry I took so long to reply to this, I was pretty sure I already had. First of all, thank you very much for the compliments and for your honesty in constructive criticism. I'm sorry that the screen name in the author's notes bothered you -I really hadn't thought about it before. I guess I got in the habit of putting it in because so many contests and things require it... it got to be annoying going back and putting the name in again whenever I wanted to enter a new one. The reason the structure is like that (choppy and leaving orphaned words) is because I wanted the reader to get the sensation of falling from the poem... like the words are kind of slipping off some sort of edge on the page. I'm sorry it didn't really have that effect >.< But that's the reason it's there. Thank you again for being thoughtful with your comment and for the gold! I really appreciate it. =]
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