Whore's gospel spread across my lips,
making me wish that anorexia
were viable sustenance for starving eyelids,
as tears bite down on fingertips.
Fingertips stained in smoke, disgraced;
cavernous mouths unwittingly plundered
by scavengers craving your sickly-sweet flavour;
jealously, they fight for a taste.
Taste of honey, her virgin blood
bitter elixir spat from demon-tongues.
Adam swallowed the apple, leaving Eve to grieve
the saintly-sinners drug through mud.
Mud stains the skyline's broken shores,
and abstinence bows her head, forsaken.
Trumpets blare, proclaiming their salvation from hell,
but we, my dear, are simply whores.
Author notes
prompt: "her frame is fundamentally famished"
form: RemyLa rhyme, created by Laura Lamarca.
alliteration: "saintly-sinners", "sickly-sweet".
onomatopoeia: "trumpets blare"
& in case it's not obvious,
my metaphor is knowledge.
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shred, por favor.
In a list
A contest entry
- The Ultimate La-La Challenge: Round 4 (Group 2 - Black Team) by Laura Lamarca.
550 points, ended September 18, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Fuck off, or don't, whatever by Barbie.
700 points, ended November 30, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Fluff is great, but it really doesn't help; honesty is the best policy.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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poetic perfection
I was wanting to read this since I read the intriguing title. wow I am speechless, my lips annorexic in the face of such a brilliant piece.
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Very interesting, quite an insight to religion, or not religion as your title states (:
But beautiful work anyways
x
Keep writing -
provocative imigery
at first glance it alludes to a sexual undertone, but (especially in the last stanza) can pertain easilly to many people,
"Mud stains the skyline's broken shores,
and abstinence bows her head, forsaken.
Trumpets blare, proclaiming their salvation from hell,
but we, my dear, are simply whores"
reminds me a lot of the entertainment industry.
I'm sorry I don't have any critcisms, other than for me, the second and third line don't seem to fit with the general theme of the write.
all in all a great pen, and I'm not good with endings so...
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I won't give you any fluff, so here goes: this was OK but not very original I felt. I also thought your author's notes were somewhat condescending and "trumpets blare" is not really onomatopoeia.
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Very nice, I loved it
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Hettie's Rubric Grade:
Initial Impact/Reaction 9/10
Originality of content 10/10
Quality of Form 10/10
Overall Flow/Syllables 10/10
Ideas/Metaphors/Imagery 10/10
Poetic Device/Verbiage 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Understandable/Makes sense 10/10
Overall poetic effort 5/5
Emotion/Personality/Edge 5/5
Last impact/reaction 10/10
Overall score: 99/100 -
beautiful wording! I loved the snap imagery you brought forth! great work on this piece, and good luck in the contest!
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this has nothing to do with religion:
Initial Impact/Reaction 9/10
Originality of content 10/10
Quality of Form 10/10
Overall Flow/Syllables 10/10
Ideas/Metaphors/Imagery 10/10
Poetic Device/Verbiage 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Understandable/Makes sense 10/10
Overall poetic effort 5/5
Emotion/Personality/Edge 5/5
Last impact/reaction 9/10
Overall score: 98/100
laura.
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This is great. I love it.
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Seriously, I fucking love this. I'm not just seeing a feminist slant because I want to am I? Have you seen Hedwig and the Angry Inch? I think you'd find it quite interesting. Anyway, good luck in the contest. Great write.
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love it! 
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Mmmm
Simply whores ...I like it , Ill right it on my placecard at the church social storm
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I love it!
It stings and its bloody beautiful.
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If you are okay with me leaving a suggestion or two and a review of your work, I have but maybe one or two grammatical suggestions:
L3 -"were viable sustenance for starving eyelids" -'eyelids' should have a comma afterward, there is a conjunction that follows it.
L15 -"trumpets" should be capitalized, as it follows a completed sentence with a period.
I counted your syllables three times, maybe four, I don't see any errors there. You followed the form on this, as it is clear and concise.
~Hettie
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