oh, I just want to lie in bed all day
don't want to face the world outside again
stress keeps raining down and won't go away
and my pillow grants me some quiet zen
don't want to face the world outside again
I have responsibilities to do
and my pillow grants me some quiet zen
but I must rise and then continue
I have responsibilities to do
one little boy, one little girl, that's two
but I must rise and then continue
there's breakfast to make and heads to shampoo
one little boy, one little girl, that's two
medical costs and food for the table
there's breakfast to make and heads to shampoo
I'll shop on the weekend if I'm able
medical cost and food for the table
stress keeps raining down and won't go away
I'll shop on the weekend if I'm able
Oh, I just want to lie in bed all day
Author notes
Pantoum
The pantoum consists of a series of quatrains rhyming ABAB in which the second and fourth lines
of a quatrain recur as the first and third lines in the succeeding quatrain; each quatrain introduces a
new second rhyme as BCBC, CDCD. The first line of the series recurs as the last line of the closing
quatrain, and third line of the poem recurs as the second line of the closing quatrain, rhyming ZAZA.
The design is simple:
Line 1
Line 2
Line 3
Line 4
Line 5 (repeat of line 2)
Line 6
Line 7 (repeat of line 4)
Line 8
Continue with as many stanzas as you wish, but the ending stanzathen repeats the second and
fourth lines of the previous stanza (as its first and third lines), and also repeats the third line of
the first stanza, as its second line, and the first line of the first stanza as its fourth. So the first
line of the poem is also the last.
Last stanza:
Line 2 of previous stanza
Line 3 of first stanza
Line 4 of previous stanza
Line 1 of first stanza
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Man, I love this form. :3
Haha, as I read, I kind of forget what the first line was so whenever I read the last line, it usually blows me away. Likewise with this one. ^^ I thought of it really cute.
"I have responsibilities to do"
I don't think is should be "to do" but more like... I don't know actually. o-o It just sounds kind of off. Ah, more like "to take care of" or something like that.
Also, "but I must rise and then continue":
I thought it would sound better as "continue then" but I realized you did a rhyming scheme so that wouldn't exactly work...
Well, I tend to not rhyme so my pantoum didn't. ^^
Anyways, I loved this pantoum. :3 Kind of cute, and I totally understand with it, even if I don't have children of my own...
-
interesting
wanting to return to the Zen in life, focus on the moment to stop running over everything that must be done, it is amazing the simple act of stepping back from the day, count each breath pushing all thoughts away. Hmm tired just reading your very busy mind nice job and yes Zen would help!
-
Suzi, I think this is a wonderful write, approaching brilliant, and a perfect pantoum. I think it's a hell of a lot better than the examples used in poetry books to illustrate the form. You have fit the repeating lines perfectly to the recurring cares of a tired mother!
-
Nice pantoum, Suzi - It made me want to try the style. I liked your choice of quote and then how you ran with it. You did a great job, Suz. I know that you wee writing from the book of experience. As you know, life is full with trials. Some are larger than others. Little heads that need shampooing are not a huge bite into our lives - unless the little heads have lice. Keep smiling - Troubles are a part of life - They make us truly appreciate when things are going well!
-
Oh how sweet but you know the time to sleep and the time to rest just never do come round when there are so many heads to shampoo.
Now I will have to give this form a whirl.
-
and here ive been up for hours working and taking breaks to read... i dont always get that chance in a day
if i lived closer i would come wash those little heads and tell them stories and push them on the swing... just so you could sleep in a day. (and i love kids
)
-
I just want to lie in bed all day too.. But alas it is not to be for the bills pile higher and the bank account gets lower, but at least I woke up on this side of the dirt. Well done Suzi nicely written Pantoume I likee. Best of luck hon... Scott
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
