lost somewhere between
the ringing church bells
and the music box notes
cracked lips and aching fingertips
the sulfur yellow leaves
dance across the road
before my morning dove eyes
looking on as the music
takes a dive
and then a swell
in my heart beat
in the back of my throat
swollen in the moment
a blink on the other side of
only a step away
...tada...
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Very nice
You did well here. The line... 'before my morning dove eyes' is painted very well. It evokes a lot.
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It's an amazing moment you have written about. Or, maybe it's a completely ordinary moment that was only amazing because of you. But either way it ended up a love-a-ly poem.
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thanks Mike. smiles. . . I appreciate your comments.
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A joy to read
Very, very good. The only thing that seemed more a hiccup than smooth, was the word "transitional" in the fifth line. Your overall diction is quite different from the intellectual revealing that "transitional" represents. I'm not saying change it, but it would behoove you (I just said behoove...ha!) to at least understand your motivation behind the usage of "transitional." My instinct, in reading and loving this poem, is to take "the" and "transitional" out of line five and replace them with a color and/or a texture so that instead of "telling" the reader that the leaves represent something transitory, you could show them transitory, and also capture at least one of their senses, if not two. As it stands line five has naught but abstract appeal which meshes poorly with the visceral appeal of the rest of the poem.
As per usual, your work is a joy to read and you've really put my brain to work. I hope what I've said helps you at the very least better understand your aesthetic and structural choices.
IC C
(by the way, I love the contending imagery in this one, soft and rough at the same time, tied exsquisitely together with a sense of wanting, a need that pulls and tugs without naming the attracting force outright. This could be a personal favorite...lord knows it was enoughto ellicit a lengthy response. My first novel...
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Thanks so much!
Not only did you let me know about a hiccup you saw, but why it was a hiccup, for a girl who writes poetry merely because it's a way to get the stuff out of me, you helped me to learn something about technique by way of something other than osmosis. Because don't get me wrong I'm always trying to improve, but it a quite uneducated way that I go about doing it. lal.
So I changed it. Smiles.
Thanks for a great insightful comment.
I appreciate it!
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I like the flow of this...it's almost melodic to read
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smiles thanks...!
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