Marked from birth, the girl plucks the strings
Creating sweet chords and melodies
Of butterfly kisses and love and things
But the scars on her arm betray her heart.
Starting in whispers, her voice carries high
Finding beauty in note, verse and rhyme
When she’s lost in the song, her words cannot lie
They flow from her soul, they become her life.
Listen in close and feel it deep down
Measure upon measure of truth un-adultered
She lost the knife, so instead she found
Inspiration so soft and so tender
"Hold tight my love and never betray it
Feel my grip, I’ll never let go
Never let go…
Bloody birthmarks upon my wrists,
Where are my wax wings of vanity?
They melted away as I flew close to you,
Feel the wind rush past, I'm falling so quickly
Falling so quickly…
Horizon line blurs, god the ground is so close
And I feel the cool beauty’s kiss
Butterflies feeding me nectarous lines
Words laced with astatine inflections.
Sweet summer’s song, the cold melody of winter
And springing from it all, the fall of your pretenses.
Because I can see clearly
So very clearly…
Laceration birthmarks adorn my pale wrists
And I feel them with every beat of my heart
Not seen at my birth, they still marred my soul
And they’ll be there till death do I depart
Forever remaining
Forever reminding
Of the cost of love."
Author notes
prompt 3: love
commented on I'm Not That Hungry Yet by gypsy via orleans
A contest entry
- 3 catagories! 3 poem limit! Prewrites accepted! by Candice Bezanson.
1200 points, ended November 18, 100 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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For the contest: it sort of fits into the story category, but not really. mostly it fits into the love category, first of all, the love for "him" that failed, and second of all a new found love for herself... if you dont think it fits with the prompts, feel free to tell me (not that you really need permission to tell me)
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the rhyme scheme is the first and third line rhyme... the rhyme is a stretch for the third stanza... but its still sorta there.
strings, things
high, lie
down, found (stretch, but still rhymes if read right)
then, the quoted part is her song. thats why its different, its not part of my poem.... i dont know how to format text in ap, otherwise it would be in italics. its like another poem i wrote a long long while ago (not on ap) where its set up as a man visiting a grave, then he places a not by the grave side and the rest of the poem is what he wrote. its IS two poems, but they interconnect...
the song just shows what shes feeling/thinking
starts off with the whole "im in love" sort of thing, warning him to not betray her, then it mentions the scars (a recurring theme through the poem) and by doing that it shows that maybe things arent as good as they originally seemed. it also shows how he makes her feel, like shes nothing. "horizon line blurs, god the ground is so close" the horizon is the future, so the future is unclear and the end seems to be near. sudenly, she feels "cool beauty's kiss" so, maybe a revalation, or a good thought or something. she gets soft (butterflies) sweet thoughts. then it sorta hints at her breaking up with him, telling him what for and how to, etc. Astatine is a nuclear, extremely poisonous, element, so words filled with poisonous thoughts. the next part i just threw in, cause it sounded good, the four seasons confirming that she broke away from him. then, the last stanza/verse is her contemplating her "laceration birthmarks" saying that they were there from birth, she was marked from birth, but they arent necessarily bad anymore. they dont mark her for her depression, they mark her for her freedom -
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If your going to do rhyme you cant do it halfway. It just sounds bad.
I don't see how her "song" and the first piece are connected.
Either explain more or take it out and add something else.
Because for me, it doesn't fit.
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I didnt do it halfway, where it stops rhyming it changes tones. The first three stanzas are structured, they have more of a rhythm, and they have the rhyme... I used it to represent life of a sorts. structured, run by rules. straightforward, then it shows you what she is singing and how she views her world. it the switched to a more melodic, flowing poetry type. the song and the "set up" contrast, they show differing views.
as to where the song fits in, first stanza establishes the setting, a girl with cuts on her arm playing an instrument, second stanza she begins to sing the "truth" because when she sings, she sings fromt he heart and cant lie. third stanza shows that what is coming next is her song it says "Listen in close and feel it deep down" it sets the scene for the song, that its the truth of her life, that she does this for relief instead of cutting.
the next stanza switches tone from structured "life" sort of voice to a melodic song. yes, it stops rhyming, yes it stops having structure. i purposefully did this, like i said before, to contrast her outlook on life. all the rest i explained on my first comment...
poetry isnt stagnant. the tone, rhythm, rhyme scheme, everything about it can change in the middle. escpecially, if it is done for a specific reason, like i did here. it all makes perfect sense if you think about it in an english analyzation aspect
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It's good. It just seems really scattered. The rhyme in the first stanza is good! I like it! But it completely disappears in the second and third stanzas. And once it goes into the quoted section it seems like its two different poems. Doesn't really fit together like a puzzle.
I love the lines "Where are my wax wings of vanity?
They melted away as I flew close to you,
Feel the wind rush past, I'm falling so quickly"
this line is so Shakespearean, flow wise
Forever remaining
Forever reminding
Of the cost of love."
I think you should add "me" after reminding. Just to specify.
I also think it's strange how the rhyme comes in and out. It wavers greatly
x
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