Past
A little girl who loved her dad
Trusting and frail- her heart he had
Revisits youth: the hate she felt
With each swift blow of daddy’s belt.
Or of the hurt felt when alone
Given by dad - hate clearly shown
Whose tainted love slaughtered her soul
Tortured her mind; left her un-whole.
Present
And on death's bed; alone, in pain
You request love - for me a strain
You held it back from the start
Love, never once did you impart.
Now here you are expecting love
Though all my life in hate, you’d shove
And here I am wanting to give
Your last request - simply forgive.
Future
Forgiveness I have granted you
But you won’t get the honor due
A loving dad who loved in whole
And did his best in father’s role.
Dad, I will grant - for it’s my choice
Forgiveness true: my only voice
In this cold world to show that I
Have overcome - I now can cry…
09-14-2009
Author notes
I talked to my dad this weekend, first time in 6 years... he's in the hospital dying and has requested to see me... I don't know if I will go.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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a very heartfelt read Melissa. I can't imagine such an experience, but I commend you on your inner strength. It's nice to see you writing again.
Rory
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Unbelievable
I experienced this exact quandry in 2003! wonderful write.
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Melissa,
I can relate to this piece on a very personal level. I was raised in an an environment so abusive that it inflicted deep and open wounds that never healed. I struggled for many years to overcome the anger, pain and fear I contended with every single day.
It wasn't until I came to the understanding that my parents themselves were victims, that I was finally able to confront the unresolved issues in my life. Once they were confronted and resolved, I was finally able to move on with my life. The resolution required forgiveness. Never easy, but essential according to God's word.
I applaud your effort to purge the pain and anger here. Keep moving forward and all will be well.
Fred (Drybones)
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You are correct in every thing that you say Fred! I had to learn of my dad's childhood in order to forgive him as well... that is where my healing started!
God bless you... and thanks for a most wise comment
~Melissa -
Bravo...
Now THAT is wise counsel, dear Sir.
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Oh jeez...MOOOOOOOOOF...
STFU.
Melissa, you don't owe anyone JACK SQUAT. The woman you have become has NOTHING to do with your Dad, or you'de be an axe murderer!!! So if we really want to use Christ as the ultimate example- it must be remembered he FORGAVE FREELY, and yet certainly did no meet, greet, visit those who were so vile, in fact- he denounced it. In this case...you have come a LONG way. More than anyone I have ever known. What do you owe your Dad?
Well, to me, it seems more like he is trying to clear HIS name by using you. What, another GUILT TRIP? Let him take up his sins with God, just as we all must. You can forgive- even call the man and say it. But does the toxin of such a man bleed out in the humility that SUFFERING brings? What if he was HEALTHY??? Who would he be? Where was he 10, 15 years ago???
I know you have forgiven him in as much as you possibly can. Me? Oh man- I still want to rip him up good...but to what end? To lose my own life for that? I believe a criminal man can be changed- if his heart changes. But a man who is sick criminally and EVIL? That one, let him face God. He lost his daughter to a long time ago and he doesn't deserve ANYTHING, unless- God reads his heart as changed. To me? It's a cold black heart looking for false redemption at the cost of your amazing love and depth of feeling and ability to forgive...??? That is almost as criminal as the things that he did.
Pray for his soul and pray when he is buried. YOU aren't in need of saving. HE IS.
HEY...I GET EMOTIONAL...I DO not FORGET. I CAN FREELY FORGIVE.
Hmmm...I wonder if you might feel different...if he was in a prison hospital trying to finish 200 years of jail time- and fell ill.
God bless you...you can delete this if you like. But to me, you are almost free from your chains for all time. God bless you, Melissa.
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Ohhh!!!!
My heart goes out to you, sis! I know much of what you're going through, with what you have shared with me. I feel privileged in you trusting me with that.
It makes me think how we men who have been poor examples will find ourselves alone, because of the hatred and resentment our selfishness breeds. He must feel so alone, and yet should not be so surprised. He's one to be pitied.
He should know you find it hard to trust him again, seemingly impossible. In your forgiveness I'm sure you resolved to not retaliate for all he's done to you; you have chosen not to punish. "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do!" probably resounds in you. Even when your father seems to know, it also seems so ignorant on his part. Ignorance is brother to such pride.
"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." - Eph. 4:31-32
May you find your comfort and encouragement in Christ. I hope I've been understanding...
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SO SAD!!!
Oh my dear friend, I am in tears as I read this
I have been in a similar situation with a family member. One thing I learned though is once done you can never change it so my advice would be to go, not put behind your feelings but at least go and see him in person. His conscious feelings are now ones of love which was there all of the time he just did not know how to show them back then. One later regrets many things they should have done and I would feel bad if you did not go and have those regretful feelings later. Terribly hard but sometimes these difficult things are ones which one must do for themselves and the other also. 
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Wow
When it rains, it seems to pour in your life sometimes. Just one thing after another Melissa. With your heart twisted just a bit you've done a great job of getting the words and feelings and emotions into words. Has to be so very, very hard.
Hugs and love, daughter
Papa Paul
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Very Good
A very powerful write from you
as are most of your words
Your plite is very clear
Carefully crafted words you have made
Rick
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