I pulled up my car, not a mile away
I locked the door, grabbed my pack and went on my way
I walked up the hill, I hummed my nice tune
I found a stray cat, promised to see him again soon
We took a different street, as the morning sun glared
I turned back to wave, as if he even cared
The long day ended, as I made my way back
I took the scenic road, toting my pack
It went through some wilds, a land without gardeners
I felt I was both lost and found, hoping to find more wanderers
That cat watched me trespass, he acknowledged my scent
I continued to walk, and I found what it meant
I saw things untold, things not to be believed
things that explained, things that revealed
things that made it all seem pointless
and gave all things meaning, just the same
I saw Heaven, I saw God
I saw Hell, I saw Satan
I saw Earth, I saw myself
I awoke; and the doctors told me I'd never walk to school again.
I'm just glad I missed that fall semester. The cold air can get to me.
Is it too confusing, out of meter and out of mind?
Comments
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I can't confine my art to punctuation, MAN.
I'm not gonna let the MAN tell me when to stop a sentence, DUDE.
Honestly, thanks for the helpful critique, though. And as for it being comical? I can't say one way or another. It is what you interpret from it. If you thought it was sad, I'll let you cry; and if you thought it was strange I'll let you look away. It's merely a story that doesn't have a predictable flow and as such reflects what we often see in real life - stories that aren't always romantic with a beginning and end and important pieces in the middle. -
is that final two-line stanza supposed to be slightly comical?..bc i laughed just a little bit....abt a centimeters worth of a laugh...lol...mainly the cold air...and im sure the cat cared..he walked with u a bit didnt he?...
*clears throat*
overall i enjoyed this, i think it flowed well for the most part...my only suggestion would be to end ur sentences with periods =) just bc i had to go back and read a couple places bc i wasnt sure if it was continuing on the next line or if it was meant to stop. i mean its not like i couldnt figure it out, bc obviously i did, but it takes away from the flow.
other than punctuation (which i have to watch like crazy myself, if this comment is any indication...lol), i say its very nice =)
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