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I wanted to write this letter to you, because I know that though we disagree on so many things, you are the only one who understands me. You always signal emotions, but I hide them. Even when you are wrong, you always win.
They were all undeserved victories and I have struggled for so long to respect you. It causes a painful headache to believe in you, but whether I have or not, you have insisted on pursuing. You've never let me talk you out of walking through a door with a danger sign plaqued across the top; in fact, even if the knob wouldn't turn opportunities open, you'd take seven steps back to plow on through. Sometimes there was nothing on the other side; only a cliff and a stomach-sickening fall into the abysmal spaces. You'd sink faster than a vessel - like a comet - and you'd leave such an impact that even if you found determination to swim back up, there'd be a crater left behind your exit.
Though you would move on, you never really did. I watched you turn yourself back to the past - your smiles imploding into a whimper. You never trusted water since then, because you believed it to be transparent when really such psychics were only naive perceptions; but you still won, because you loved. After breaking, you knew you had hit concrete; especially when he dropped you on the driveway...and left. You never knew the difference between a doorman and a guy holding out his hand for you.
You did know one thing though; you knew love as if it were written on the back of your palms. That is why you always gave a guy your hand. That is why you insisted on walking through doors he held open, because who knew; maybe he would have loyally followed you instead of forcing you to accelerate so swiftly...only to watch you rush like a lion and transform into Icarus.
It didn't matter how many times you came face to face between liquid and solid; either way, the collision killed you. I don't mean to sound cocky, but if it wasn't for me, then you wouldn't have been resurrected. I could have left you - like he did - on the driveway. I could have let you suffer, starving in the traps of your chambers as eyes bled tears for the death of innocence. However I chose not to leave you, because I - well, I thought you needed some assistance. After all, you were a bloody mess.
I apologize. I’m sorry I was so hard on you. I forgot about how pure you were. I’m so used to seeing gray skies that when I saw you laying there with white glaring off the top of your teardrops, I barely noticed. When you are as wise as I am, it is tough to tone down the shades of reality, because - well, you see, there’s only one shade of reality. That is what makes it reality. And I didn’t mean to make you cry, it’s just that - it’s just so hurtful when you first discover the truth of all things. I throbbed and my neurons fired fears aimlessly, but I recovered. You however seem to be in a constant state of suicide and revival. I don’t know how you did it - or do it - I don’t know, heck, you’re always dying on me and coming back. Everything - everything is temporary and you must learn to let go. I’m sorry that I had to tell you this. I think it would have been best if you had known this at childbirth, but God had a plan, so they say, and that wasn’t in the blueprint unfortunately.
You crashed and burned, but you loved - and still love - infinitely; and so your ashes floated atop the sea’s surface and became a phoenix. You flew, but since you knew better, you had your feathers - your real feathers, and no…they did not melt underneath the rays of the sun. You soared so high, but you found another doorman. You met another guy who held out his hand that you took, touched - he captivated you. You thought you had entered the gateway to heaven, but don’t you see this pattern? It is not he that will save you, because as long as you believe that, you will commit suicide unknowingly. It depresses the hell out of me, because it doesn’t matter how many times I tell you not to ignore me, you do anyway. You always do.
That’s why I stopped listening to you after I watched him shoot you down. He was just another hunter - predator searching for prey; but you see, you were no longer a boy, no longer a lion, no longer Icarus, nor were you a phoenix. You weren’t ever anything. You were always a vulnerable creature in a constant state of change; and that is why I don’t know who or what you are. Please tell me. How can I heal the wounds when I don’t even know your species and, therefore, your physiology? I am not a doctor, but I have always been here for you no matter how many times you caved into yourself like a sinkhole. Is that why you always hoped the doors would lead to a gentleman who would fill them?
What if there was no gentleman? I don’t mean to make you cave in anymore - I can feel the ground shaking and observe the eroding edges; but still, what if there was no one? What if there was only one way you could fill in the empty spaces? What if there was only one way you could make sure that every doorframe had a solid ground on both sides? And I have to be honest with you: realistically, whether you have wings or not, you’re going to fall. You’ll either become a different thing and blindly trip over the door’s other side, or you shall fly only to be shot down…again. You are so loving that it either scares them off or they use it to their advantage. And even after they have deliberately wounded you, somehow you manage to still care. Tell me, why are you so infinite? Why do you love so much? Why are you so fucking strong?
Why are you everything that makes a man? Ugh. I have known you so well for so long and yes, you have changed so much, but always you have stayed the same; you have always cared, you have always tried, you have always forgiven, and your love is so ridiculously infinite…I am so envious of your purity, of your strength, of your eternal refusal to stop fighting for what means most to you. I admire you so much, even if I don’t show it. Even if I never bother to tell you, I - well, you are very strong indeed.
And I do think that your constant external changes were my fault, because I was so hard on you; I always played games, and I am sorry. I apologize for thinking that you weren’t good enough - not handsome enough, not tall enough, not smart enough, not interesting enough, not fun enough, not worth it - but the truth is, you were always worth it, even if I didn’t see it, even if they didn’t see it. You are the strongest out of all that I have seen and I don’t understand why it is so hard for them to realize this. Perhaps it is my fault. Am I the one that is standing in your way? Please help me reach the clarity you have always had, because I know that when I get there, that he will find you, and there won’t be any need for doors, and he wouldn't let you fall unless it would be with him.
I will try to be as clear and consistent as you have always been. I will muster as much strength as I can, adapt to whatever situation I am thrown in, and survive any tempest the ocean attempts to drown me with; I will not capsize. I refuse to let the soils of tries collapse and devour me; for I shall never surrender to the raging realities of nature…I promise.
And I promise you that I - well, I - I do love you. Yeah, I always have, but it hurts me to openly admit it, because you have disappointed me so much in the past; such honesty would have killed you…forever; but now I realize and accept that it was not I that made you stronger, but it was I that made you weaker, that made you doubt, that made you question yourself. You are beautiful. I know it.
You are my heart and nothing else.
We are stronger together, and shall find love that both of us will know someday. I know it as you feel it. And so I will join you and promise you...from this moment on, I will never abandon you, who I have learned to love so much. And today I will start to prove it with as much strength and knowledge as I can muster, and not patiently wait, but instead...live.
Love,
My Mind.
~
Author notes
Very personal.
Option 2.
S i d e w a y s H o u r g l a s s
A contest entry
- running with the lights off. by new born.
400 points, ended November 30, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Comment por favor.
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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'I will not capsize.'
for some reason, that's my favorite bit.
This is really good. There's so much strength and pain and power in your words.
Great job, Tyler. Best of luck.
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Thanks
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Sorry I am so late getting to this. I am back on the site but it is still hard to get the time to read a piece this long and actually take some time to chew on it.
Tyler, I thought this was an amazing piece to read. It was filled with quite the list of emotions, many on a personal level. But you also managed to make certain parts easily connect-able.
I especially loved the idea of a letter from your mind to your heart. It seems like such a simple idea, yet, I cannot ever recall reading anything like this, besides that cliche line in pieces about how hearts and minds always want to go two separate directions....and you brought a new meaning to that line! Refreshed with powerful images, sporadic metaphor, changing and contradicting tones. And, my personal fave, a strong theme.
Perhaps, what I liked most about this piece were those last few paragraphs. Your letter started out with an angst, depressing, conflicted atmosphere...but with the ending you were able to beautifully transition it into a piece with hope, with a better outlook. Your mind found a way to resolve things with your heart. And I hope that this also happened on a personal level...that you decided it was time to start listening to both.
Brilliant!
Thanks for the read,
Ryan -
You really spiked this thing with very specific emotions. After reading it, the emotions that come to mind are envy, guilt, fear, strength, worthlessness, a need to understand, resolution, regret…..and on and on. Your amazing imagery really strengthens these emotions and fuels them with heartbreaking potency. What I really love about this piece is that when I was reading it, I felt not like I was reading poetry, but rather stepping inside someone’s mind and experiencing what they feel. I felt like you attacked a piece of paper (or maybe it was your keyboard ) with all this raw emotion and then made it something more three dimensional than words on paper. I don't cry easily but I almost did while reading this.
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WOW! Babe this piece evokes a lot of emotion. I felt like you were telling me your pain face to face. I really enjoyed this piece. Not just enjoyed it love it xD. This is surely one of your best.
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An introspective write, who better to brushstroke new colour on the canvas of one's own analysis than the artist themself? The revolutions of the revolving door may be necessary for emotionally engaging a stage of evolution, as a wise man once said to me, in matters of the heart let the head decide and in matters of the head let the heart decide, sage advice and not as easy as it sounds. For me the ultimate word here is the first word within the title " freed" for once we have battled something we are indeed free of it. Especially liked that the heart knew love like it was written on the back of his hand, if destiny is in palmistry and love lies gloved, indelibly tattoed on the back, then they are married in artistry. A lengthy letter which felt like an exorcism almost.
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Thank you. Out of everything I've written, I hold this one closest, so I am truly glad you like it.
And I agree with your commentary. It's easier said than done! But we grow from all of it, so in the end...we do win anyway.
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Unfortunately, I asked for no prose writers in this contest.
Sorry; good luck elsewhere with this piece. -
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Yeah, you're right. I just made the dumb mistake of overlooking not just one thing, but two. One, you don't like anything long. And two, no prose.
I don't know man, my bad!
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wow- that was quite an interesting turn at the end - that it was your mind writing a letter to your heart. Amazing - I loved it! Heavy stuff psychologically... best wishes in the contest!
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one of the best letters ive ever read... filled with emotion that weeps off the page and into the heart of each reader, im sure. well worth reading, infact, i'll be back to read it again.
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wow, thanks hun.
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This honestly brought tears to my eyes...
You put SO MUCH emotion into this
This is by far my most favorite piece from you.
now...the question is haha
Who was this lucky man
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It was a letter from my mind to my heart.
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cool
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"but you still won, because you loved."
Dear mind,
let him love, for he is pure...take him inside and love him back, embrace him...for he is worth a million more stars than a milkyway can manage. And when sky sets and nurtures night, love him still...for he is still pure, regardless of the rosaries you choose to choke him with. Hold him in your own hands & hold him out in front of you...let him see the things you see and smell the scents you know - teach him of treasures, so his torment doesnt blaze comets in galaxies that grieve. And when he cries, call his name and embrace his echo...for that is when he needs you the most. Mind, you cannot survive in the cold alone, for you will live as fool and the wool of his warmth will simply fall off, until you are nothing...but naked.
He is flame that gives a name to your universe, the reason you know seasons and the weight that you can't walk without. Let him win whenever he wishes...for without him - you have already lost.
Love always,
laura.
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Perfect...thank you, Laura. Your response also indicates that you completely understood this. Thank you for that too.
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there's no need of thanks hun, you're my brother & i love you.
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