Oh Mariposa, O how you fly

Dear Mariposa,

That is my absolute favorite word in Spanish by the way!
I don't know you very well yet, but I would love to get to know you. You have an amazing sense of letter writing. I am totally jealous about.
I mentioned it to you in a comment I left on one of your writes but I want to mention it in this as well as part of a "get to know each other" sort of a way.
My husband has joined the army... went about it without my knowledge for a while. I was deadly shocked when he told me. It's something I never thought he would want to be a part of, nor have I ever wanted to be linked to. We... or I guess just I now... try to remain neutral when it comes to politics. That I can explain more about if you like but for now I will cease further cementation.

He will be leaving for basic training on Oct. 20 and I won't see him again until the end of December. Then he will leave again and I won't see him until sometime in February... maybe even March.
Shortly after he dropped this land mine in front of me to stumble upon, he let another one fall in my path as well. He wanted a divorce.

We have been married since April 9, 2008 yet we disclosed to one another our intimate feelings towards each other on June 21, 2005. He is, as of August, 31 years old and I am yet only 19 (20 in January should that make a difference). So when I told him he was more than a friend to me that warm summer’s day, I was only 15 years old. However, at that time, despite what both family and friends told me, I was in LOVE. Real love that would require only the most powerful chainsaw in the universe to cut apart. A love that I had only ever dreamed of.

SO
When he told me he wanted a divorce, you can imagine that didn't fly very well either.

Again there was yet another mine in our path, this time left by life’s own accord.
I was pregnant.
I haven't written a poem about my pregnancy yet because... well you may understand better it I explain the situation first.

We HAD been trying. I have wanted a baby for so long and even though I knew he felt it was best to wait, I would get waives of deep emotion that would overthrow my ability to keep it to myself and in the end I would ask, "Can we have a baby?"
I would always be told, "You know how I feel about that." aka NO
One night I called him while he was at work. I asked, yet again. His reply made my jaw hit the floor, "Yes." One simple word that meant the world to me.

So we tried. I found out however that the reason he had said yes was, not because he had changed his mind. Not because he felt all of a sudden that he was ready to be a daddy. Not even because he loved me so much he just wanted my life to feel fuller with our soon to be bundle of joy. NO. It was because he wanted me to stop asking.

So we had stopped trying.
And now a month later... we're pregnant. and he wants to leave me.

Now we had a baby’s life to consider as well, this, I think, changed things for him a bit.
I had already started to try to fix the things that he told me annoyed him, started trying to conduct myself in a more peaceable manner. Our days together had thus become more peaceful.

Pain. I had a crippling pain in my stomach. I refused to believe anything was wrong, it was my first time ever feeling a life grow within me so how did I know it wasn't normal to have.... some pain. I didn't want to believe anything was wrong. We had just worked everything out. We were going to stay together, I was going to move on base with him. Everything was finally put back together again! I didn't want to lose it all. I didn't want to lose my baby. I didn't want to think MY BODY would to anything to hurt something I had dreamed of all my life.

The emergency room. Reluctant as I was, we went. My mom came with us. It was mainly because she was worried that I even called my doctor and he told me... "You should probably go to the emergency room." I almost didn't even want to tell them that's what he had said.
But we went.
And we waited while they did all these tests. While the nurses ect. pried and poked at me until my eyes welded up in pain and tears ran down my cheeks, just to get an IV started.

Finally they told me. Ectopic pregnancy. I had had this fear oddly enough since before I even knew I was pregnant and at hearing the results of their tests in this seemingly foreign language, ectopic pregnancy made me fear it again. A tubal pregnancy, where the egg sets up camp in the fallopian tube instead of where there's PLENTY of more space a little further down the road in my uterus.

Could they save my baby? "Well you can't even really consider it a baby. It's just a mass because it couldn't grow properly." Dumbass to try to tell me that MY BABY was a MASS! How dare he! A simple "it's too late even if we could" would have sufficed.
This "mass" that was my baby was 5cm in diameter inside what is a microscopic fallopian tube. They worried that it would rupture, so I was not to walk. My surgery was scheduled for in the morning. A cesarean-esk procedure.
I ended up with a grand total of 18 staples across my stomach and my stay in the hospital lasted almost a week. My husband lovingly with me there the whole time.

I lost my baby and a good amount of feeling in my stomach that Dr. says will take about a year to gain "as much" of the feeling back as I will. And I gained this nasty scar. What and adorning way to remember my baby. My baby that I never even got to hold. They didn't even show me the ultrasound. I asked her to tell me when she saw it. She said she would, but she never did. Either she didn't even really know for sure herself or she didn't want to be the one to tell me I was going to lose my baby.

SO! GREAT reason not to have sex before you're married... I would have never made it this far through this experience if it weren't for my husband.

We are doing a LOT better now. We more than likely will not be getting divorced even if we do separate for a while. I don't want to feel that anything is for sure until he comes back from boot camp in December because I think the whole experience for him is going to change everything and I don't know if he will have even a remnant left of my Dannybear when he comes home to me, or if he will even decide to come home to me. Even if he isn't my Dannybear anymore, he will always be my batman. Another nickname I have for him. Something I think you and I may have in common, a fascination for Batman????
He wears all black and his middle name used to be Wayne. He is my hero and he has a very batman-esk disposition.

Well... I think I may have written you a novel instead of a letter... but you wanted your letterbox full so this should take up a good amount of space for you!

While he's in basic training, we will only be able to write letters back and forth and hopefully, if he behaves, get a rare chance to talk on the phone.
So I REALLY want to be able to send him AMAYZING letters... basically what drew me to your contest... and I think I need a bit of practice.
I would love it if you have any suggestions. I honestly think this has been one of my best letters I have ever written and only because of the inspiration I acquired when I read a couple of yours!

I sure hope that we can be friends. Thank you so much for this contest because it has helped me to get out my emotions in writing. I really want to write a tribute to my baby. Honestly my husband and I had picked out two names. One for a boy and one for a girl and since I don't know which my baby was, I feel like I lost them both. Thank you again for this contest. Being able to have inspiration to get this all out... has helped me more than you could ever imagine and even if you could, I hope you never have to. You sound like a wonderful woman and I hope that you can make great choices for yourself and those you love throughout your life.

I may only be a couple of years older than you, but I have been through a lot and if you ever need any advice or just someone to listen and nod, I want you to know that I'm here for you.


With all my love and thanks,
~Mrs. Midnight