The whisperering within my head,
insistent in it's way
Awakened images long dead
that took my breath away.
The shoulder where I cried my tears
Calm hands that soothed my brow
The voice had taken back years
and brought it to the now.
The memories came one by one
to calm a troubled mind
From rainy days, out came the sun
to leave the clouds behind.
Soft eyes that told me all was well
gave confidence once more
A feather fluttered where I fell
The future was secure.
A contest entry
- BWOW~~~Best Write of the Week~~~#20 by islekine.
700 points, ended September 19, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Editing points if you wish to use them (pasting here so you can delete them if you wish!):
Title: Grandfather's (apostrophe to denote the possessive, as it's the grandfather's love ... the love that belongs to him etc).
L1) should be "whispering"
L2) "its" rather than "it's" (it's is an abbreviation of "it is" rather than being the possessive case in this circumstance
).
In stanza 3, I thought "soothe" would be better than "calm", as calm is used before (fresh vocab strengthens the poem), though "soothed" was used in an earlier stanza (but could be swapped for "brushed my brow" to resolve this plus adding alliteration). Again with "came" - consider "arose the sun" perhaps, or something such? Or maybe in the previous line where "came" first featured, it could be swapped for "ease".
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Hi Ros.
Enjoyed this one. A grandfather's love indeed is something we cannot forget if once given to us. Recalling their memory is like summoning a fresh wind on a tiresome hot day as we walk the road of adulthood, long gone the days we shared with them. It was my grandfather who inspired me to write, and to enjoy poetry ... to use my imagination ... so many things. Your love in memory is apparent in this piece, which has a comforting tone to it throughout. My own dedication is somewhere in my archive here, title: "Of Happiness & Old Spice".
I loved the final stanza above all. The falling of the feather which joined you in your fall ... surely a sign?
A few points I thought to raise for you to consider, but entirely up to you. I hope they prove useful/interesting either way. I am posting them as a separate comment, so you can delete them once read/used
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Well written poem - leaves the reader with a warm, cozy feeling. It flows well with rhythm and rhyme.
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This indeed is a great write enjoyed the read thank you for coming out in support of our contest best wishes to you always be well.
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I agree with islekine - your words, emotion, images and flow are always a pleasure to read.
nice job!
thank you for your entry
best wishes in the contest
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Aloha and Mahalo for another wonderful
entry! Thanks so much! Your words, flow and rhyme are always a pleasure to read!
Best wishes in the contest and always!
Write on and on and on...
and
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Lovely<3
This was really sweet! I loved it, its an amazing piece. Keep up the good work, I congratulate you, it made me remember my beloved grandmothers who both passed away. -
Poet
Just beautiful. And as a grandpa I hope someday to be looked at in such a wonderful way. Just brought a huge smile to this old face.
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Thankyou Bob.My grandad was very special to me
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Beautiful and so true
Loved it, Warm, enchanting, relaxing, worthy of 5 stars or more x -
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Many thanks.Glad you enjoyed
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