the love that my man can
give me is forever more
he makes me feel
like i can soar above
the floor my man i have
is one of a kind love
he makes me want no more
need no more he makes
my heart hit the floor
and when he walks through
that door there goes
my heart hitting flying a shore
and when the time comes
we will walk through
that church as one
for the time
of me and you has just begun
and when all is said and
done it be just you and
me Hun
A contest entry
- I want your love, all of it, give it to ME!!! by Lagrimas.
700 points, ended September 14, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Ahhh love
I love the ideas put into this poem. If you don't mind though I have a few suggestions. You're breaking up thoughts in places that make it hard to follow what you are trying to say.
This line
*the love that my man can
was left hanging my eye's were looking for the "what"... Your man can what? I found it in the next line but the structure made it hard to follow.
*give me is forever more
this line doesn't make sense when taken on it's own because there is more information in it than needed.
If you have broken it up like this though
*the love my man can give me
is forever more
it would solve both those problems and make it easier to read.
Please know that this is only a suggestion. If you feel comfortable with your piece as it is please disregard my comments.
Thank you for entering and good luck!
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