waves of murky green waves would crash over me
crushing my dreams
leaving just soggy misshapen puzzle pieces as substitution.
that used to be my life.
the life where bad luck and gravity went hand in hand.
a life with out you.
and then you came,
you tripped for me,
and you must have had a pretty bad fall.
I’m still not sure why you haven't gotten back up.
why you decided to stay.
wal-mart didn’t even have enough band aids and duck tape
to piece me back together,
which is all mom had thought to try.
not that love could have been the key.
you were the one that provided the endless supply of kisses.
you were the one that made the tallies on my wrist
hand in suspense on the number one hundred thirty eight
and my thighs at sixty nine.
you with your brown eyes of understanding
and the scar over your heart,
among the rest on your body.
with your ears that listen,
and your hands that wipe the tears.
please baby just stay patient with me,
I’m still not perfect,
the pieces are still drying,
but I promise if you help,
ill put them in place as soon as they'll fit
is it really horrid?
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
-
Bad luck and gravity went hand in hand, excellent line and one of those absolutes. While I appreciate what you are saying here, and you do it quite well, far too many years have passed since the spring of my years to be able to engage it. Lines one-four of second stanza are very good.
I really enjoy that not only are the pieces jumbled about, but that they are soggy as well.
Sometimes though, no matter what the effort, the pieces never do quite fit.
Peace
-
-
hopefully mine will.
im sure they will,
i just need a little bit of glue and a whole lot of sunlight
-
-
no....... it's dark............. I like dark. The glimmer of hope shines through, and illuminates its beauty. Keep it up. I loved this.........
♥Lillie♥
-
-
i have a big habit with leaning towards the dark side of things.
its my favorite style. thank you very much
-
-
like it - could love it...
I like this poem - you succeed in taking the reader to your dark place and then share the desperate hope you are investing in your 'saviour'. The last 2 verses are the best, in my opinion, as I think they are more poetic and less 'sentence structured' than the longer ones. I would be interested in reading a revised version with the other lines shortened - but that is just my preference, I like symatery and a bit more room for the reader to interpret poetic meaning.
-
amazing writing style very unique keep it up
-
-
why thank you. i like hearing that im doing okay. thanks for the read and the compliment
-
-
i really like the way this is written, couple of spelling mistakes but not many. The numbers do kinda take away from the emotion maybe spelling them out would make them more emotional instead of being so cut and dry since this is an emotional poem. Just a thought, well done and keep up the work!
~Betrayals
-
-
i went back and edited it.. you were right that did make it alot more powerful..
i appreciate the read and critisism..
thanks
-Sanctuary in Shadows-
-
-
amassing
I love it. And im always going to be here for u when u need me -
-
as always =] te amo mijo
-
-
its not horrid :] but there are a lot of spelling mistakes. use spell check! nice write, overall.
-
-
i went back and edited that..
thanks for the read!
-
-
Oh my god<3 I love this! I think its amazing. I love these lines "walmart didnt even have enough band aids and ducktape
to peice me back together,
which is all mom had thought to try."
-
-
thanks im really glad you liked it.
i like when my poetry hits someone.
feel free to check out my page.
ill end up taking a look at your poetry soon.
thanks!
-sanctuary in shadows-
-
-
Over all it was a pleasing read... however I did see some spelling errors, like peices I think should be pieces, and some of the wording I would have chosen differently. But the image of waiting on the soggy pieces to fit back together was creative in itself so I thought that was pretty good. Over all a good write here.
-
-
thanks im a horrid speller. i really appreciate the read and the honest critisism.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 17 of 17
