Back when the world was black and white
We stayed up all day and night
I dared you to jump and laughed when you tried
We made up shapes in the sky
Back when we were just the same
Played outside for endless days
You cheated at our hop-scotch games
I knew we would never change
Thunder storms that broke down trees
I ran inside, you laughed I screamed
I never forgot how beautiful you seemed
Or the way you sounded when you’d speak
There was never a day you didn’t come around
We’d ride our bikes to our small town
We buried the treasures that we found
We whispered with the utmost sound
Sometimes when mom wasn’t home
We’d hide together in her coats
We never did feel so close
Than when she left us all alone
When we’re grown up and you’re away
Ill still think about you everyday
Ill call you every night just to say
Life has never, been the same.
A contest entry
- Making a Smile by lilbabygurl88.
475 points, ended September 15, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Bravo!
You've demonstrated quite a confidence with both meter, rhyme and content here that would be impressive for anyone, let alone someone who's only 15 years old. I love the specfic examples that you provide here (i.e. cheating at hopscotch, burying treasures found, making up shapes in the sky, hiding in mom's ). For me, they made this poem a lot stronger and more real. The only thing I would suggest tighting up here a little is a few of your rhymes. I couldn't always tell which lines were supposed to rhyme here. For instance, looking at the following lines:
Thunder storms that broke down trees
I ran inside, you laughed I screamed
I never forgot how beautiful you seemed
Or the way you sounded when you’d speak
You've set the reader up to assume that the first two lines rhyme with each other, and the second two lines rhyme with each other. In this group, however, it appears that lines #2 & #3 and lines #1 & #4 are better rhymes. Perhaps you meant for all of them to rhyme.
Rhymes are a small concern, however, and overall this was a very well-written, thoughtful and compassionate little poem. It's a lucky girl that has a sister who writes something like this for her.
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Feeling whole
I love the relationship between the two people.. it's amazing how having that other person..be it friend, sister, boy/girlfriend.. makes you feel whole
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