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Afternoon on bruce

Fully animated, the scene is set
comedicly dramatised real life reenactment of satire
this is a tragedy
There is the country and there is the state
and there is the state and there is the state
and there is the country and there is god
There    -          - is-      -  state

There he sits unrolling his red socks
Unrolling his white sock
Taking - off  - his orange and brown argyle
Replacing  them in reverse order
          "Yesterday any phone was a good phone, cracked screen or not. Today I don't even want to look at no phone . Funny-ha-ha--ha-ha
                                                                      life is like just like that"

          We interrupt this front porch after school epiphany for your local news
A-k is not allowed to show his face or his blue tooth this side of young
not after that shit he pulled last night
Burning rubber and loud - loud words that aren't going to to be repeated

Mr multi socks cousin mario is out of jail
Mr multi socks will keep his eye inches from pavement
always armed with a diamond (chip) encrusted magnifying glass
His aunt T got shot -  -  - at while-driving home from the hospital

everybody likes nice things
but a mans got responsibilities
He knows that i-phone is nice
Funny-ha-ha--ha-ha
He know that blackberry is also nice
it suits him fine

Wouldnt you know it
MoMo gots that good - -  --  - - MoMo hit Ray in the face
"yeah we smoking out"
"whats the wager? Its first game"
he gets that 'fuck you wagering with' look
"I go to work every mother fucking day! Tell me Im not good for it"

There slips in that black and white wide angel reflection scene
-que the orchestra

" and you know, out of 31 days
28 of them will have you seeing that.
Hes got that done- - - = - - -done made it a habit"

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Comments


  • midnight51
    October 25

    Edit | Reply
    I like the first part of the story better than the second and there seems to be no transition. I know you might know the reasoning behind it but as a reader I don't get it. I want to know more about Mr multi socks Mario and why he's got responsibilities and why his Aunt T got shot at etc.


  • tjayrush gold member
    October 24

    Edit | Reply

    Too personal

    This is OK. There's some potential here I think. The desire to express yourself is clearly present - which is good. I agree, however, with the previous poster - it makes me think too much. Maybe the poem is too 'personal' - in the sense that the incidents are too particular - look for the things in the particulars that you can make more universal. So that when I read it I learn not just about the particular people in this story but about all people or about people in general. Just my two cents.


  • g e m m a
    October 23

    Edit | Reply
    this is scattered. this makes me think too hard. some lines are pretty good, but i'm really struggling to figure out what it's about or what you're trying to say. all the breaks and spaces and dashes confuse me more.

  • Virulent Malice
    October 23

    Edit | Reply
    It's spelt 'Comedically". That's one typo in the first few lines. This is pretty abstract, it's hard to follow. I'm not sure where I'm ending up from line to line and I'm struggling to find cohesion from one end to the poem to the other. From one line to the next. I can tell it's structured that way, there's that intent and while there are some good lines in here, it's a bit too out there for me to enjoy every step of the journey.