Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Waiting Room

 

 

 

 

 

Sad face behind magazine,
pristine room with no voices,
all waiting in silent thought,
as she's caught with no choices.

Unwanted babe, who'll ne'er smile,
another file in grey case,
no name but just a number,
to slumber without a trace.

Unseeing eyes shield the tears,
and fears of the judgemental
concealed behind a false name
she remains non-parental.

Her child taken without love,
no winged dove to take his soul,
careers cannot replace life,
and the strife she'll ne'er control.

Her soul is washed with her guilt,
the walls she built not enough,
no one warned that truth returns
and yearns against the heart's bluff.

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

#28

Limbo

Fishermen at Ballyshannon
Netted an infant last night
Along with the salmon.
An illegitimate spawning,

A small one thrown back
To the waters. But I'm sure
As she stood in the shallows
Ducking him tenderly

Till the frozen knobs of her wrists
Were dead as the gravel,
He was a minnow with hooks
Tearing her open.

She waded in under
The sign of the cross.
He was hauled in with the fish.
Now limbo will be

A cold glitter of souls
Through some far briny zone.
Even Christ's palms, unhealed,
Smart and cannot fish there.



- Seamus Heaney

In a list

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • KnightOfTheRose gold member
    October 28

    Edit | Reply
    Ah, very nice. Congratulations on the silver trophy you won with this piece. it was most well deserved. Thank you for taking the time to enter. Excellent work and I wish you the best of luck in my contest.




    -Steve-


  • Nickelspring gold member
    September 27
    Edit | Reply
    Congrats on the silver!!

    Kris


  • Little Eagle Greeters member
    September 26

    Edit | Reply

    Thank you for your entry

    Excellent job, as you are the teacher in this instance lol. From this poem I took that a mother lost the rights to a child. Kind of reminds me of CPS taking a child away from their mother and severing paternal rights.

    The form of course is perfect as you know it so well. Syllable count is fairly consistent with only one line being 8 syllables, and rhyme scheme both internal and end are well developed. Please see my rubric below for further details.

    I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.

    God Bless
    Tammy

     

     

    Criteria

    20-18

    Exceptional

    17-14

     Innovative

    13-10

    Commendable

    9-6

    Competent

    5-1

    Emerging

    Score

    Prompt Development

    Expresses and develops meaningful and original perspective on prompt

    Expressive and developed treatment of the prompt

    Adequate focus and development

    Some focus on prompt but lacks development

    Unfocused and unclear

    20

    Organization

    Form of poem appropriately and powerfully addresses the subject , each line focuses on prompt

    Form of poem is appropriate to the subject, focus maintained throughout

    Form of poem is appropriate to the subject focus maintained throughout

    Form of poem is appropriate to the subject, focus maintained throughout

    Form is poorly constructed, focus is not maintained throughout

    20

    Poetic Language & Imagery

    Sensory details and figurative language create vivid images that contribute significantly to the meaning of the poem; sound devices such as rhyme, alliteration, or onomatopoeia are used effectively to contribute to the meaning of the poem

    Sensory details, figurative languages and sound devices contribute to the meaning of the poem

    Sensory details, figurative language and sound devices may be overused, underused or inappropriate to the topic

    Confusing or inappropriate use of sensory details, figurative language or sound devices

    No use of sensory details, figurative language or sound devices

    20

    Use of Language

    Word choice is vivid and exact throughout; grammar, mechanics and usage are correct, enhancing the thoughts and images

    Precise word choice; no error in grammar, spelling and mechanics

    Word choice occasionally vague, repetitive or imprecise; few errors in grammar, mechanics or usage

    Word choices tend to be vague, repetitive or imprecise;

    Consistently difficult to understand due to errors in grammar, mechanics and usage

    20

    Overall Impact

    Poem captivates and inspires reader; is an excellent representation of the prompt/form

    Poem attracts reader’s attention; is a good representation of the prompt/form

    Poem is adequate and provides a reasonable representation of the prompt/form

    Poem lacks inspiration

    Poem fails to inspire

    20

    Length (five stanzas)

    Disqualify any poem exceeding line limit by five lines

     

     

     

     

     

    Total

     

     

     

     

     

    100/100

      


  • Amera gold member
    September 12

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful! I find Celtic forms so difficult to write in English and this one in particular because VOWELS ARE NOT IMPORTANT! What’s that all about? All consonants in the first line of a couplet MUST be repeated in order in the second line. “Cywyddau” damn! I can’t even pronounce the form name! LOL
    Standing ovations!

    Love,
    Amera♥


    • Ceridwens Soul silver member
      September 12
      Edit | Reply

      Ddiolch chi ffair Amera

      Thank you Amera, I was raised on Welsh poetry, it's the metric English forms I battle with.

      Vowels are important its the stress on them as in English that is not, Welsh language uses diphthongs instead, the rhythm is built up by end of line rhyme and accented with sound echoes as in a wreathed poem. Some paired consonants are read as a single letter like 'sh' or 'ch' in English, 'dd' is said 'th' as in 'the'. Short 'y' is said as 'i' . The diphthong 'wy' is either falling or rising in the case of cywyddau it is rising so said 'wee' as in sweet. The diphthong 'au' is said as in haul.

      Cywyddau is said ci-weeth-au and this form itself is said ow-dl gi-weeth.

      cara

      Jem





  • Nickelspring gold member
    September 11

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, I love what you can do with this form. Such a sad song, so deep... those last two stanzas just tear at the heart. Its wonderful to read such a wonderful example of this form at learned hands!
    Excellent!
    Kris


  • prain82
    September 10

    Edit | Reply

    Gasping...

    that made me cry.. but the poem itself was well thought out and perfectly put together to where you can literally visualize the story..


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    September 10
    Edit | Reply
    Damn!


  • The Blue Lamp Post silver member
    September 10

    Edit | Reply
    Ooooh you adhere nicely to this tricky and old world form. Wonderfully done with complex and mature rhyme. Quite commendable and truly well done.

    How wonderful to be able to stop on a piece of this caliber in a form that has rarely been written in recent years. You have handled this like a pro and I enjoyed it so very much.

    Story is sad and leaves one to weep. Heart wrenching and filled with emotion that keeps a reader's interest. One barely notices that form was used and that is a great sign of a fluid and well-written work.

    Thank you for sharing. I enjoyed this one so much. ~The Blue Lamp


    • Ceridwens Soul silver member
      September 10

      Edit | Reply
      Thank you Blue Lamp.

      I enjoy the old forms and feel they can fit in with the modern art of poetry.

      Ceri

1 - 11 of 11