My heart is like
a red balloon full of
warm water
quivering under the needle
of your apathy
the point bursts the
frail rubber
sending water all over the
floor leaving me
squeegying up the water
with my frenzied fingers
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I like the poem and the image that it immediately creates but there are a couple of things I would tinker with to make it a more satisfying read. The first is that I would change the adjective "big" to "red." I don't think that "big" serves the poem at all and "red" really helped fine-tune the image for me. The next thing is I would give the needle in this poem a reference point. To me, it sounds like it represents an abusive or inattentive lover. In this respect, you could say something like "quivering below your needle-like indifference" Finally, since I can't imagine fingers being used as a squeegee with any success, I would change the last line to "with my ineffective fingers." The reason that I am taking the time to offer you this advice is that I really like the idea of this poem and think that it can become something special. Good luck with it.
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this feels a lot like me too
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