We only had six hundred and five
miles to travel, our dust-specked eyes
reflecting frugal to the half cent,
we never considered going in style;
we were all the type to sacrifice
to suffer a little for future gains,
we formed a little community
what’s wrong with that? It’s nice to have,
even for rugged individuals-
the horse that lost an iron shoe
the silver spur, the brass spitoon
strength in numbers, as they say...
embarking on a journey long-
twenty frontier souls combined,
riding coach, who are inclined
to seek a somewhat comfortable life
hewn from an untamed land
from meagerness, except for dreams
to chase those dreams, new towns, new schemes
fashioned from broad frontier hands
what women need to raise the clans
that in the future build the walls
that scrape the skies in buildings tall
that reach the dreams that pass the dreams
that reach the moon and moons beyond-
all born of one long stagecoach run...
Photo Link
Author notes
a poetic note on words: the words 'nice' were used for their connotative effect... and that is what they were intended to 'say'... and, being connotative, may not translate well...
a poetic note about 'concrete imagery'- to me it is simply adding 'things' to a piece, like a junk sale, like an ebay account, like an auction, like a shopping spree, like a stuffed closet and packed attic and a thick garden and department store... people like 'things' in poems... and that is a difficult and unnatural thing for a thinking (philosophical) poet (or dabbler like me) to do...
In a list
A contest entry
- #185 for Winklings & all friends of Winklers by Lyndon.
2100 points, ended October 11, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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IMHO ...
this is a very good poem. I'm not overly fond of "adding things" to my poems either, so I know where you're coming from. However, it appears to me that you've managed that quite well.
Bon boulot.
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I"ve always wondered ...
why people fight and kill each other over "things".
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reproduction rights... lol
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A rather sad commentary ...
on civilization, eh? -
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I was thinking more of (human) nature...! Kind of like dung beetles...
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I guess it depends ...
on which humans you're referring to.
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someday I might figure out why people like things, things, wonderful things...
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This was my favorite part of this poem;
what women need to raise the clans
that in the future build the walls
that scrape the skies in buildings tall
that reach the dreams that pass the dreams
that reach the moon and moons beyond-
all born of one long stagecoach run...
I found it to be a good take on the prompt but think it could be improved on by making the piece flow with some better word choices too. It is, however engaging as it is.
Best of luck in the contest.
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thanks much, I should experiment with two versions- a plain dusty-trail version and a frilly pettycoat version... lol but seriously, I shouldn't put down the chisel and hammer on this one yet, it seems... maybe a few frontier words... how's 'spitoon' and 'spur' and 'the horse lost a shoe'... lol (could have some fun with it...)
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Your perspective is an interesting one; that qualities such as frugality, rugged individualism, resilience, and camaraderie, along with big dreams built and invigorated this country and its spirit. I think we could use more of these pioneer virtues today.
Somehow "meager and comfortable" don't work together for me. Words such as "nice" are pretty generic and don't really work in a fresh way. "nice" is okay in poems if clever dialogue. But this is my mere opinion. I'd urge you to take another look at this and strengthen the language. Perhaps the use of rhyme could be reconsidered - I find it does not elevate the poem as much as you would wish it.
My favorite line is: "that scrape the skies in buildings tall"
Danni
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thanks for revealing your reactions... (and funny what a reader brings with him (her! ) to a reading- reminds me of my kids (and I must stop calling them that, one is in grad school for goodness sake! ) listening to my orchestral scores- where I see a ballet their minds bring video game scenes to the table...
anyway, I'll put a date on my calendar to come back to this one- in... let's see... maybe two years... or maybe not, maybe only when I'm desperate for something to publish, and I'm giving things consideration and a final go-over... (but sometimes change is sideways- it doesn't improve anything, but only changes it... like turning right instead of left, when any way will do...)
Glad you're into music, too... want to hear my Lepton Woodwind Quintet? lol (posted as a recent 'poem') or... HEY! I have a piece that features the cello... maybe that piece, yes... (is that a cello you're playing? I'm just warming up to scoring for live orchestra rather than machines- which are worlds apart in their demands)... well, here's my 'cello' piece, and say 'hi' to my orchestral mentor (and she does get quite exasperated with me! ) and collaborator (not by her choice! ) Random Goldfish... here's the link to the piece http://allpoetry.com/poem/4895079 (it's the 'Christmas from Ireland' link)... you can just enjoy it, or give it a critical evaluation...
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I like this! I like the spare touch of rhyme, the occasional internal rhyme, the final point: which is a grand one, and the imagination to do this all from one photo! Good luck!
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I think you've summed me up- a spare touch of rhyme (with a spare touch of rhythm! ) and a dash of imagination with a wrap-up ending... if only we were all that easy to classify... good eye... (and I do like pic prompts almost as much as word lists...)
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