I was angry, I suppose, but that is no excuse
for losing one's own essence - just to hate.
I was vile in my thought of avenging the abuse
and I understood my hatred far too late.
They did what they could do, to tear me to the ground
and stepped on me as I was lying there.
It wasn't all their effort or their words that put me down,
but my own lack of love and lack of care.
And now I lie here, gasping for forgiveness.
My nails frantically claw into love's skin.
I need the love to bleed onto my darkened dress,
to feel the warmth of coursing blood within.
I miss the heartfelt love I sent another;
through smiles and loving thoughts, and simple prayer.
Wishing... how I wished that it would smother
any darkened thoughts that lingered there.
"Oh love, sweet love, come rushing through my blood!
Fill me with the art of understanding.
Have your trust and patience wash away my mud,
and let me carry out what you're commanding"
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Constructive criticism? This is a very powerful poem, a successful combination of the pain and pleasure of love. The only slight change I might make, which would not disrupt the rhyme and rhythm, is to change "laying" to "lying" in stanza two. I think lying is a better word: correct in the context, but also with a hint of the lies that love tells, which pretend to be truth. If you were to make this change, you would also need to alter the next stanza to "And now I lie here"
Other than that, I wouldn't choose to alter the power of feeling which the poem is electric with. And I'm glad to see you writing again: you have talent. Best Wishes, K.
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