Mum

Why did you never try to understand me?
All that you saw was what you wanted me to be.

You saw the angry slashes across both my arms
But your lack of reaction to this caused great alarm

All that you did was pretend it was not there
Sometimes I wonder if you actually cared

You saw your own daughter in pain and distress
But you covered it over and tried to make best

Do you remember when they sent me home from school?
Sent me home from that place cos I broke all their rules

Sent me home with reports of slashing up and drug abuse
You heard what they said and ignored it so what’s the use?

They sent me home with tales of depression and self hate
Sent me home with concerns about my rapid loss of weight

But you covered your ears and said it was all about you
With a smile on your face you made us a brew

You told me to stop pretending to be sad and screwed up
So that’s what I did, but after a while I’d had enough

I tried to hide my thoughts, feelings and fears
Instead I drank and I drank for a number of years

Then it all exploded and off the rails I went
To hurt you and pops was never my intent

We never spoke about those times and the reasons why
It was never mentioned about my constant drug induced highs

Never mentioned was why I was put into care
The thoughts in my head then were too much to bear

You never asked me why I was such a mess
You never mentioned why I felt such distress

Never asked me why I stopped eating my food
Never questioned why so depressed was my mood

No care when you found out I was fucked up in my head
No care when you saw the pain in my diary you read

Secrets and lies is all that was around
When I screamed I swear you never heard a sound

But I pulled myself together before my demise
Only because of the love I have for you guys

Did not want to hurt you more than I already had
So once again I pretended that I was not mad

Went back to college and tried to get on with my life
On the surface you could see I was not in any strife

During the day I obsessed and buried myself in my work
But in the evenings so fucking clear was my hurt

Boozing every night till I forgot the depression and pain
Every morning I took pills to stop me feeling insane

Every weekend I’d search for someone to hold me
But to get that I would have to get down on my knees

All of these men see how vulnerable and scared I am
So they fuck me and leave me because they know that they can

So I worked and I worked then got drunk every night
Tried to forget that my life was such a fucking fright

One day I decided to wipe the slate clean
Was sick of doing things which now seem obscene

Moved counties to run away from my past
But before I even left he made sure it would not last

Raped and humiliated the night before I left
And again I pretended to you it was not a mess

Did you not see back then that I was dangerously thin?
Did you not see all that time I was pickled in gin?

Too much was the hurt and I took and overdose of pills
But pretending all was ok cos that’s what’s been instilled

So happiness is what I pretended to you
People who knew my sadness were few

JC picked me up, loved me and turned me round
And I really thought our relationship was sound

But soon enough the raping and beatings came
So once again I just pretended that I’m not insane

Soon enough the beatings got gradually worse
And I thought I was living under some curse

You saw me with bruises across my eyes and face
But you must have pretended that they were perhaps a mistake?

Did you not see the bruises on both my arms?
Did you not care that JC wanted to harm?

Did you not see that JC raped and abused
Even after I told you, you seemed fairly amused

Your daughter told you her man had started to hit
You went on about you and your pain, and my tongue I just bit

So one day I left JC cos he enjoyed treating me like muck
Went back to the only thing I knew which was to fuck

You helped me back then to escape my living hell
But even then the secrets to you I could not tell

Stopped eating when I left the man who loved me
Drank again to hide the pain, hurt, worry and misery

I missed him, was lonely and he wanted me back
Frightened I would return I once more started to pack

Moved to where no-one knew me, once again I’m alone
My only contact with people I knew was over the phone

Stayed in that place for over one year
Concentrated on burying myself in my career

My boss back then couldn’t keep his hands off of me
One night he fucked me, but I didn’t want to, don’t you see?

After a while I could not bear to be near him
I could not see how against him I could ever win

I packed and I moved once again to somewhere I knew
Close to my brother and some others I’d met, just a few

But now that I’m safe and have some good friends
I feel like my thoughts are going around the bend

Old memories and feelings are beginning to show
And when I eat, just like before, I make myself throw

So now here I am and many years have passed
And still I have to wear this constant mask

I work and I work and never have a break
Night after night I lie here wide awake

Still you don’t see how sad and alone I feel
You never stop to wonder why I look so ill

Today I live with so many years of heartache
But I pretend all is well, just for your sake

When I see you and pops every now and then
Again I must protect you, live a lie and pretend

I can’t tell you how much I hurt deep inside
Because you won’t give a damn and will think I just lied

So here I am mum, your daughter, over here, just me
Alone and frightened like a child again, don’t you see?

I’m struggling, lonely, confused, sad, a real mess
Just because I’m not perfect, don’t think of me less

You still don’t get it; do you? You don’t see I’m so sad
Don’t care that I’m slowly driving myself mad

If you know something happened when I was only small
For god sake women, please tell me, I need to know, just call.

I need to know where all this pain and heartache began
Need to understand, listen or at least try if I can

To get on with my life I need to know what went on
Need to understand where the happiness and love has gone

Please Mum, help me this time, please try if you can
Understand me, your daughter; help me to understand why I ran