Yesterday

Who decides what is real and what is not?
Who’s reality must I be forced to suffer tomorrow? Yours again?
The reality of your love, care, betrayal and caress?
That is the reality of yesterday’s pain
Yesterdays pain, like the destruction and devastation of a train crash

So here I am, a train wrecked beauty queen
Forced to live the reality of a thousand men’s whore
Forced to live the reality of a dangerous mans fantasy
Forced to live the reality of sexualised violence and anger
All of my realities expose our special love
Care? Intimacy? Guilt? Shame? Your love, my pain

Yesterdays train wreck has created untold scars
Grotesque, ugly, hideous, unbearable disfigurement to my soul
Wounds to enlighten the unavailable outside world of yesterday’s pain
Scream out my suppressed world within; scream out my pain, yesterday’s pain,
Scream out so that she may hear my anguish, my grief, my slaughter
Disclose, expose, and ask for absolution, plea for the life I have not yet received from her
The blessed virgin mother, my sacrifice, to save her from you

25 years of yesterday’s pain.  What reality must I endure tomorrow?
My fantasy? My inner sanctuary where they cannot violate and ravage
In my minds eye I see gentleness, kindness, warmth, tenderness and love
No hurt, no pain, no despair, no desolation, no hate
In my minds eye I am at peace, tranquil, at one with the earth, the sky, the ocean.
Will you condemn me for craving to remain in my fantasy, my peace, my silence?
Never to return to the excruciating and twisted reality that you created for me?
Fantasy over reality, dreams over truth, good over bad, pure over evil, day over night
You over me…..