chaos and order

you know that feeling you get when you really just want to go home? i do.  i wish you would come back


you pushed your words into my ear and they settled down softly in my stomach, filling me with promise and truth and real. you're only mistake was loving me because i still loved her and she loved another.

it takes more than a few missed calls, ignored texts, and covered ears and eyes to change the past and erase the what matters and whats real. Atleast, it does for me. i keep thinking about that morning i laid in your bed and slowly stripped off my skin. i remember how your hands cradled me and kept me from floating away. i couldnt help feeling like my world was falling and all you said was how beautiful i was when i was broken.


--
listen,
i'm sorry i loved her.

i'm sorry i had a dream about holding her hand in a pasture and placing a dandelion behind her ear because its innocence reflected a glimpse I caught in her eyes one time. I'm sorry her skins glows and her hair smells of warmth and her kisses fill me with sunny days and kitestrings.


I shouldn't have let her in again. I heard how hollow the words were this time. she couldnt even convince herself.

one night i was in the back of her car and she was driving really fast and i didn't want to admit i was scared. she swerved but it was too late because i felt it hit and i heard it die and i couldnt help but cry. especially when she laughed.

i'm just sorry okay?

--
i remember the time a girl let me write my words across her back. she asked me what the story was about and I said a happy ending. a happy ending that doesn't really end but you know it would always be okay because love is real and rare and when you find it you're never the same again. love doesn't hurt us, insecurity does. she told me my words touched her and i cried because that's all i've ever wanted .i don't know if she was broken or if 5 am feels like heaven in her heart and head like me, but she was there and she was gentle and i wanted to save her anyway

--
i'm scared to let love in because the hole inside is big enough for you to fall through.

--


sometimes i get clausterphobic in my skin and when i find that shooting star i so badly want to hold inside my hollow bones i think about giving up. i cant write to help me anymore and i'm running out of vices. one night you told me i was special and you couldn't explain it but you felt safe with me. i guess its easy to rely on a rock bottom because you know they can only go up. i wonder all the time why i am broken and why i cant be okay. i wonder why i ache to be touched and fear of being left alone, then push those i love away with my insecurities. she doesnt promise anything but uncertainity. and that might be what i need, but it feels like too much.