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She

Her feet are weary from carring
such a heavy load, the wind is
fury along the rugged road

She wonders around in a place
filled with screams, she can fight
all she wants, but her hell wont
let go.

She can never undo the damage
shes done

The peace she was promised
she' ll never know
and the end to her nightmares
she' ll never find

So she sank even lower inside
this place, she puts on a mask
to cover her face

so nobody knows the pain
she hides,


The shield she built for so
many years destroyed
instantly,

all the memories she pushed
out of her mind, back so
sudenly....

did you see her sorrow?
did you hear her wish?

was she, really, simply
insignificant?

In a world shrouded in darkness,
she's been holding out, for an Angel
to come along, she calls for help,
but her voice is stolen by the wind
and her tears, like dreams, are lost
in the night...

A simple act of selfless harm
was taken upon her fragile
frame,
she must die to say she
belongs!!!

A contest entry

is there anything i should change

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Andre ben-YEHU
    October 22

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    Bountiful~Beautiful...


    I have enjoyed the reading of "SHE" for its contents and emotions poemized. The poetic veins of the author were shown in progressive pulsation.

    The closing lines are majestic.

    In respect and admiration,

    Andre Emmanuel Bendavi ben-YEHU

    • Andre ben - Yehu

      thank you very much for the beautiful comment I am truly sorry that it has taken me so long to reply my Mother has been very ill but she is better now. Again thank you for taking the time out to read my poetry it means so very much to me.

      sincerly , your poeit friend angel


  • zt
    September 11

    Edit | Reply
    As you are asking for constructive criticism, I will offer what I can. Storm Chaser has already pointed out a couple of items, so I won't reiterate those. In S1L1, did you mean "caring" or "carrying"? The beginning of L2 leads me to think the latter as it struck me as enjambment (which you did use elsewhere as well). I agree with Storm as well on the punctuation. As you did choose to use commas & apostrophes in places, you should use them everywhere they are required (even if you do not use other punctuation). Examples: S1L2 "load, the" & S2L3 "won't". The internal rhyme you used in a couple places would have worked better if done throughout. That would be much more difficult, so I think I would forego it entirely. The problem with the occasional internal for me is that I start looking for rhythm to find the next rhyme, only it isn't there. It makes me read with my head and not my heart. A one-off is okay, but when you have more it looks like a pattern.

    Now, for what you did right. Your emotions showed clearly in this poem. I liked a lot of the images and phrases you used. For instance: "her voice is stolen by the wind". It is concrete and puts the reader in the moment. I really liked the idea you imparted in the ending: she must die to belong. Very cool! Thanks for entering...

    • thank you

      thank you very much i will work on it and maybe i can make it better thank you

    • thank you very much for your honesty i really do need to work on punctuation that is so true i have not had much schooling but am welling to learn and i do see what your saying thank you very much.


  • Storm Chaser
    September 9

    Edit | Reply
    In line 4, is "wonders" supposed to be "wanders" ?

    In lines 21 or 24 it is a possibility that you might want to find a synonym for "instantly", unless you meant to have the word repeated so close together, perhaps for effect.

    And the last line, it seems as if "belong" should be "belongs".

    Perhaps some punctuation would give these words a more definitive edge? I really did enjoy this piece. I can relate a lot to the way this girl is feeling. The image your words paint in my mind is exquisitely sad and beautiful.

1 - 6 of 6