dont anwser my question i beg of you,
no matter how many times i ask dont tell me the truth,
i see in your eyes the anwser i dread,
just let me dream a little longer in your bed,
the lies sufficate me as your body embraces me,
a small price to pay...i realy want to stay,
my body responds without my command,
a new master is at hand,
if only you knew what i wanted from you,
its not enough my body eacos,
taking more and more from you is all i can do,
do you know my hidden intition,
i want your anwser please pay attention,
separating mind and body is something i cant do,
i realy dont think that you have a clue,
you take my body and i take yours a even trade....i am sure,
i know your anwser as our hearts beat to differnt drumbs,
o so hurt i become,
i want, no i need you to sum,
up what you think we've become,
just remeber never, never anwser my question
Author notes
my first one...tring to get better......give me tips good or bad...thanx
did you like it...any tips...its my first
Comments
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Welcome to AllPoetry
For a first poem, yours is well done (compared to mine at least)
-The line numbers are pretty much constant
-The rhymes are pretty good
-The rhymth is mostly steady
"the lies sufficate me as your body embraces me,"
This line... umm... how do I say this without being too insulting.... It sucks. The word "me" sounds (even if it's only used twice) sounds overly repetitive. I recommend rewriting that line.
"i know your anwser as our hearts beat to differnt drumbs,
o so hurt i become,"
What? You had such a nice rhythm and the first line killed it. If I were you, I would reword the first line of the last stanza so it flows a little better.
Grammer and spelling. I don't care that much about it, but if you look at other people's contest rules you see that a lot of people like correct grammer and spelling.
Don't give up writing because if you keep trying you'll improve (trust me on that one), I hope to see you as one of the prominent poets on this site later on.
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hey that one i didnt try to hard on.....i wanted to see how good i was when it came out.......if that makes sence.......could you please read my "losing your self" and "cycle of life"....and tell me what you think...thats...my best i think...
ps.....i stopped writing long ago.....then i had to put my thoughts some where ealse.....losing your self...was my first......the others r practice...untill something makes me write...lol
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