some how life seems so absurde lately.
I changed everything; I actually changed my believes and all I have been taught as a young girl... Now, I have it the way I feel good about it. But sometimes I fear I might be lying to myself and that the peace, I am feeling within me, is just a phaze or an illusion or some fogg!
I have come to accomplish some of the things I have always dreamt of doing thanks to this change! But as good as it feels, it scars me alot!!!! it freaks me out!!
I got the dental medecine as I hoped! I got the one i am in love with to like me and who knows what is there still to come!!!
I am having less trouble at home, with my family; but I am afraid that even if everything is apparently fine that there's a storm to come or some sort of punishment for what I have done or said or further more for what i think about...
I also fear that it would be the only reason why he speaks to me very often lately!
is it wrong that I am feeling so blank, so stuck at times too, in this hand-made freedom as Sartre says “Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.” But did I really use my freedom correctly or am I just being some rebellious or a retractory pretending to have it all under control?! and not only fooling others but also fooling myself as well!!
Yes, I am happier, freeier, enjoying life as I set my maind to it... But even under the shadow of this happiness, I feel desoriented and lost... Is it the effect of the sudden changes or actually the voice of my heart and conscious telling me to go back!?
Where am I now? What have I turned into? Am I the next "big thing" or just another wasted leaf of a tree?
In all the joy, in all of the happiness... there still is some agony, some sadness, some pain... Is it the past's pain? or my vain life?
Or is it simply the transition to a greater happier life that aches in my bones as I laugh?
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