Freewrite

Grey sky
Grey glow
First katydids of the night
In which
I'm supposed to be empty

Beautiful
Empty
Bones
EMPTY
E M P T Y

I am
still
in chains

and they're H E A V Y
I am so
HEAVY

everything weighs me down
in a diminutive puddle of water
I drown

I'm underwater when it's not even over my head
I'm in as shallow as I can possibly get

and I'm too much
here
too much in the way
too much to interfere

when can I see straight ahead again?
work more than a moment without a distraction of the flesh
the FLESH
this mortal, unholy unworthy FLESH

can't I move past this yet?

can't I give in to reality yet
or do I truly want this to kill me?

can't they see that this has nothing to do with
anything they think it has to do with
they see me drowning and they don't
see
why

they can't see what

they must suspect
can they really be so blind?

am I such a talented liar that I've fooled the whole world
do they want to be fooled
do they want to save me before they know what it is they're saving me from

they don't want to know
they can't bear to look because they cannot comprehend
and that is the beauty

that is the BRILLIANCE

this torture is MINE
and it is torture indeed
this is a war that no one can touch and no one can win

even if I win
my better half loses.