bringing you back.

They say the unconscious mind can remember all those suppressed memories our mind pushes to the bottom of the toy chest because were trying to grow up and sometimes holding on holds us back. That some things are meant for dreams and the waking mind is submerged in ruby and emerald delusions to help us through the sunrises and sunsets.

But I still remember the way your eyes lit up when I told you that I believed in miracles.

I've tried to convince myself you never cared because I believe that the more it burns the sooner it will fade but its getting harder. It's impossible because I know that you would have never left if you hadn't thought it was absolutely necessary. If you hadn't believed if by staying, you would have been ripped apart piece by piece.

and some part of my knows that it would have been unbearable to watch you fade.

..

Experts say that the human mind is more complex than we will possibly ever know. That each follows a unique pattern that leads them to believe that the human species is more like thousands of individual pieces coming together to create an abstract picture we can only see one color of and therefore, we should never judge harshly.

So I'm trying to think of you as a shallow pond when I know I am trying to make you narcissistic. Anyone who had even glanced at you from the corner of their peripheral vision knew that you were an ocean. Everything about you betrayed something else. Your smile betrayed the constant rim of solidified tears that painted your eyelids. Your voice betrayed the memory of happiness and your absence, well, betrayed that you once occupied my whole world.

You were the most complex mind the experts had ever examined and I know that your reasons were often hidden but never, never, did you hide anything you knew would make me happy. For that reason I trust you, and in some twisted way, I need you.

..

I have a way of rationalizing behaviors and digging into the center of my ribcage to bury the emotions they stem there. Though I suppose  injecting anger and anguish straight into your heart simply delays the problem. You see, the heart pumps blood throughout your body and the hurt simply courses through my veins unable to find an exit.

As a result, you are in every inch of my thought process and I can't deny the imprint you've left on my life. I can't dismiss you as a phantom or a passing trend.

you are the imprint on the living room chair, the legs in all the home videos, the salt and vinegar chips in the pantry, the smile in the hallway portrait, the pillows lined up in the hallway, the eerie silence that fills the empty office.

You are everywhere
and yet,





you're gone.