I couldn't and still can't let go

I watch each finger tremble following the next
it seems despite the fact I pleaded and bargained
you left anyway.


The huge oak doors terrorized my thoughts as I began to open them
I could feel the vomit pressing agianst my quivering lips
ushering pain that slowly slips through haunting images.
My legs like dead rotten logs, hollow from internal turmoil
froze, leaning against the wall I couldn't let go
my head swirled into misery trapped in vein.
Voices whispered as I raised my eyes to those seated on the pews
the faces were tear streaked
pity poured from haunting eyes,
black dresses, black suits, black hats, black hair
you disappeared in the shadows.
I stood from my stooped position
out of breath and suffocating on your empty aroma
my feet stumbled in hopes when I reached the front
you would be right where I needed you.
The priest walked to me as I approached the step,
holding out a sturdy hand, I grasped it,
trying to squeeze hope and faith from him
Nothing worked, I was broken,
venom filled blood coursed within
flowing love mixed in bile.
I finally looked to you,
pale, so pale,eyes closed, hands folded
uneasy of my own reaction I approached with caution
my hand subtle, as if not to break you caressed your fingers,
I wanted you to wrap them around my face
tracing my lips and down my cheek
but I couldn't feel you, I couldn't see you,
my life, this life is sinking
drowning in the effects of not having you.
reality poked through jumbled emotions and slapped me in the face
letting out a groan
that came from a place I never new exsisted
I melted on the floor
sobbing into the stained wood
it tried to soak my pain but it flooded in a pool surrounding me
gasps from family and friends released pain clawing at raw nerve endings
I laid there my black dress crumpled around me
covering exposed wounds, sheltering me from completely losing control.
There was no moving on now I needed to be with you.


The time came when we had to lay you to rest
and I couldn't move on so I never went
I couldnt watch you really disappear,
be put in a place I couldnt see you
at least in my memories
I see you I am not letting go, I can't.