As I slept, I dreamed that your wings were tangled
in willow-trees, which wept outside my window.
Every breath thrummed nervously inside my chest-
song without a sound.
I'd have cried an ocean to your memory,
but my tears could never penetrate the air.
Its silver skin is thick and overwhelming,
frost upon my heart.
This mask I wear, in all its gilded glory,
it suffocates me now; stricken by the cold.
Wishing I could hold you close, it kills me now;
buries me alive.
I'd have given up my soul to touch your cheek;
instead, I bled red jealousy from fingers
filled with ice, too selfish to remember why
I'm lost without you.
Let night draw back this velvet wall between us,
which separates the living from the dead ones.
Meet me at midnight, in your ruby-slippers-
three taps takes us home.
Author notes
ryan... it's been nearly a year, and i still can't stop missing you. i'll be visiting your grave soon. we love you. ♥
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form: loose sapphic, created by mairi bheag.
assonance: "instead i bled red jealousy from fingers..."
allusion: the title and the last two lines are in-reference to the wizard of oz; her favourite story.
prompt:
"i don't like emotional pain, not when it has the potential to destroy me...
it makes me have to grow an extra sheath of skin-
one that's never tried, or tested...just quite simply worn". -Laura Lamarca
In a list
A contest entry
- The Ultimate La-La Challenge: Round 3 by Laura Lamarca.
700 points, ended September 10, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Fluff is great, but it really doesn't help; honesty is the best policy.
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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You clearly have a lot of emotion connected to your subject. I liked your writing style. As far as criticism goes, the use of the ocean, mask and tears are a little bit cliched. I liked this line in particular "Let night draw back this velvet wall between us,/which separates the living from the dead ones." I'd like to see more of your sentiment expressed in such an original, visually appealing way.
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I wish yr wish come true..
I feel the same pain, why are we made to love, when all we get is yearning for the one who is far..
my wish is also the same,
i hope we both will be lucky and our wishes will be answered one day..our lovers will know the depth of our feelings...
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thank you.
it's not about a lover, but my best friend who died last october. i miss her, and writing about it helps.
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but my tears could never penetrate the air.
a beautiful line!
I so love the way you describe things.
Very enjoyable to read!
*rose -
Wow!!
I am no expert on form, but I am certainly learning from reading the best (poetry & critique).
I loved and related closely to this poem.
Having lost someone extremeley close, I indeed felt the weight of my own 'selfish' pain in wanting to bring my lost one back;
"I'd have given up my soul to touch your cheek;
instead, I bled red jealousy from fingers
filled with ice, too selfish to remember why
I'm lost without you"
Twelve years ago, a rap lyric "give anything to hear half your breath" touched me in the same way. But later I wrote a song of my own and the last verse was the beginning of my redemption;
My song is called 'I believe in me because of you'.
"Well I have tried to find your image everywhere since you have gone,
And I have tried to bring you back by reminiscing in our song,
But now I realise that I must stand and face my fears,
Cos I will never see your light if I am blinded by my tears"
I know that you'll appreciate that verse.
Bless.
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sometimes when those we love pass on... we cry because they are no longer in our lives.... but if we keep their memories in our heart... they continue to be a part of our lives.
Keep penning on one stroke at a time!
Bill
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Sis, that you are able to turn all of your pain in to such a jewel, is a true testimony to your power as a poet. I know you prefer truth to fluff; but there are times (though precious few) when the fluff is the truth, and this is one of them.
I am never NOT blown away by your amazing writing, and this is one of my favorites from you. You've touched my heart today.
Love,
Zach
(I rarely give out clappies, so enjoy
)
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I have to say touching ever so.
But there are some words that lack creativity eg:"which separates the living from the dead ones" "the dead ones" a weak way to end a well written piece. I find it lacks range in vocabulary.
Good imagery In the first paragraph shame about your use of hythons and comma's.
Touching Story. -
You paint such a vivid picture with your words.
What a gift!
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makes me want to say "I'm sorry"
I miss someone very much, at first I couldn't breathe, now sometimes I think I have run out of tears, but I never feel less lost. You just put it into words.
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we're not in kansas anymore
First Impression: 9/10
Impact of title: 5/5
Originality: 9/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 5/5
Flow of sound: 5/5
General use of all poetic devices: 10/10
Focus/precision, concision & cohesion: 10/10
Mechanics: 5/5
Quality of form/syllables: 5/5
Personality/emotion: 9/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Diction/verbiage: 5/5
Syntax: 5/5
Last Impression: 9/10
Rubric score: 96/100
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Hettie's Rubric Grade:
First Impression: 9/10
Impact of title: 5/5
Originality: 9/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 5/5
Flow of sound: 5/5
General use of all poetic devices: 10/10
Focus/precision, concision & cohesion: 10/10
Mechanics: 5/5
Quality of form/syllables: 5/5
Personality/emotion: 9/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Diction/verbiage: 5/5
Syntax: 5/5
Last Impression: 9/10
Rubric score: 96/100
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well written, real and quite touching to the last in it's soul of longing life...
w a wijjy board
-Jas
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This is wonderful and so very sad. I loved the emotion in it and the allusion was perfect.
Best wishes,
K
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Very well done, this is a wonderful piece of work in this form. Some wonderful imagery and great flow using the punctuation. Excellent job and best of luck to you... Scott
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First Impression: 9/10
Impact of title: 3/5
Originality: 9/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 5/5
Flow of sound: 5/5
General use of all poetic devices: 10/10
Focus/precision, concision & cohesion: 10/10
Mechanics: 5/5
Quality of form/syllables: 5/5
Personality/emotion: 9/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Diction/verbiage: 5/5
Syntax: 5/5
Last Impression: 9/10
Rubric score: 94/100
Good luck!
laura.
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I think this works very well. the form lends itself to poems of emotion, and you have used the structure of the form to control the intake of breath, as it were, in the recitation. If it has a weakness, it is that stanza three breaks the rhythm a little, with the mid-line punctuation. But in a way that is like sobbing.
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This is a beautiful piece! Unique, powerful...
The slight stumble that Citrine pointed out is there, and I do agree with that. But it doesn't stumble enough to detract from the work in its entirety.
The allusion of Oz is brilliant!
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wow, i loved it from the very first line...
stunning. just stunning.
best of luck
Tasha
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ahh the reference to the wizard of oz.. the ruby slippers and three taps to go home...
Also, I liked the bit about the willow tree. Nice imagery in this one. very creative.
I think you write very well my friend. Thanks for sharing this with us.
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Not
sure that one really should write abo ut really poignant. Very good
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Awesome!
Total Genius!
Good luck to you!
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This type of form poetry is so well suited to your voice, and the syllable count does not seem forced. I loved the allusion to the Wizard of Oz because of its subtlety and the last line was perfect. The only nit I want to pick is in L. 8&9
8.This mask I wear, in all its gilded glory,
9.it suffocates me now; stricken by the cold.
The "it" is out of place. It makes the sentence awkward. I think it would be better to expand another thought in the line (i.e. suffocates my soul now) and remove the "it". Otherwise this is a wonderfully written poem that showcases your versatility as a writer. Peace, Liz
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wow..... I'm speechless, I don't even know where to begin. The imagry, the alliteration made it an amazing read. I actaully had to read it out loud, it sounded beautiful. Creativity is every where, I love how you used the wizard of oz, made it something so much more than what it was. A perfect write, you've truly stunned me...
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I like the write, although there are some aspects of imagery that's a bit too common. Judging by the rest of the write you have the capabilities of being a unique writer in your own sense, so I'd look it over and check some things that might seem a bit stagnant and repair them with your individuality.
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i would suggest not including the italics. other forms of punctuation (full-stops, hyphen, colon, comma) on the preceding line in each stanza, would create the impact/emphasis that you're trying to achieve.
other than that though, i thoroughly enjoyed what you've presented here.
laura.
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