Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

I told you she was poison

She crawled round you like a black widow to a fly
              spinning her web and seducing you with lies

To be honest I just stood back against the flame
              and watched her break our home

The black widow sunk her fangs into you
              along with her poison she enchanted you

I am suppose I am glad that she broke your heart
                I knew she'd leave you once you broke mine

Now your on your own without a home, kids, wife
                you dealt me pain now your the one with the heartache now

Watch as I no longer want you around
                I've found a new love
                and the kids have found a new Dad

I look at you without care
          as your eyes fill up with tears
                  you didn't give a shit about me
                          So fuck off


What do you think?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • MyCutsDontBleed
    September 8

    Edit | Reply
    This was excellent. I felt the mood changed a lot at the ending though.... My only suggestin for improvement would be to maybe add some grammar, and you can get rid of the word "now" at the end of the tenth line. Otherwise, great job, and great piece!

    ~ASingleBloodyRose

  • Sakiyoseta
    September 6

    Edit | Reply
    It's wonderful and I have to admit I have never thought about it like this. But It is so true I have had several friends have this happen to them.


  • PrabhuDayal Khattar silver member
    September 6

    Edit | Reply
    Ah,..well love and its fate is stated with the thoughtful end..and the sensitiveness of the momments stated here found its way to the destination ....love the lines..well done..


  • tresmemphis gold member
    September 6

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this piece....Ive never experienced this but the women in the poem received sweet revenge which who really wins...no one really. The only thing that one can do is move on as the woman in this piece has. Always taking the positive side and make lemonade out of lemons that are given to us. Nice job on this piece!!!


  • Rick Weston silver member
    September 6

    Edit | Reply
    seems packed with emotional scars still tender which you portray well. thanks for sharing this pain in verse.


  • Emile
    September 6

    Edit | Reply

    Emotional

    This is a hard poem to critique because it sounds good and has some emotional weight, however it seemed strained and needs a little more work. This is a sad poem that shouts of a lost love and pain. Good try but could be better I sense the talent underlying this poem.

    Here are a few corrections needed:

    "I am suppose I am glad" (I suppose I am glad), "Now your on " (Now you're on), "now your the one with the heartache now" (now you're the one with the heartache), "Dad" (dad)



1 - 6 of 6