i find it hard to believe that the last time i laid eyes on you, it was december 25th 2007. christmas day. i can't believe that the person whom i look most like and whom i idolised is now almost a figment of my imagination, occasional sentiments sent through text messages or typed up on a laptop, all the things you've missed out on relayed to you in less than 200 words, or characters, depending which medium i use.
i sometimes wonder if the person i remember you to be ever existed at all, or if, like so many other memories, i have blended them with my fantasies, glossed them up, shined and polished them to remove the tarnishes, like the ring that once belonged to you which i have stored away to remind me who you really are. i wonder if you think about me and if you realise how the path you've chosen in life has made you a different person, someone whose advice i can no longer take seriously. i ingest everything with more than just a pinch of salt - oceans have been drained of their sodium and i use it all and pour it over everything you have said to me since. i wonder if you know how painful that is to digest; my throat is left burning and i am left cradling my stomach and my heart, remembering how it was once you who made me feel better if i was taken ill. no one can comfort me the way you could; and i doubt anyone ever will.
i'm trying to think back and i wonder if you left me or if i was forced to leave you behind - if there was any other resolution but i was too young, innocent and naive to figure it out before something in my head clicked and i decided that not speaking to you was better for both of us. for some reason i thought i would be able to carry on with my life without looking back and wanting you there. i thought that if i distanced myself from you that you would suddenly think oh fuck, who have i lost? and that you would wake up and stop inhaling all the drugs and text me or call me and say "i've quit everything and i mean it this time" but that has never happened and i doubt it ever will.
you've been thirty years old since the 25th of november 2008 and thinking about it, i've estimated that you've been on drugs since the age of fifteen and if you stopped now, not only would your body shut down, but your brain would cripple under the weight of reality. all the problems you ran away from would come back and hit you square in the face like someone had swung a frying pan at you and you couldn't dodge out of the way fast enough. for someone who's reputed to have cat-like reflexes they have completely failed you in relation to this. half a lifetime is a lot to have spent half on earth and half in oblivion, but who am i to judge?
i've spent my entire lifetime wondering and considering what-ifs and hows and everything you never worried about. and sometimes when my brain won't shut down and i'm in the fetal position rocking back and forth wishing for arms to encase me in their warmth i understand why you live the way you do. i doubt you feel the total dread and hopelessness that i suffer from occasionally and i imagine that your brain hasn't worked properly since before the millennium and i sometimes want mine to completely shut down too. but i was only ten at the turn of the century and unfortunately, the y2k bug didn't play a role in the make up of my brain - because i wouldn't have minded if it totally destructed about two years ago, but chances like that only happen once in everyone's existence and i was the wrong age at the right time.
i wonder if i'll ever see you again without your pupils and your irises dancing at me from out of your skull - if you'll return and the cloud of self-destruction will have left your system and will no longer envelope you in its wrath.
i wonder so many things and you're the only one who holds the answers, but i can't even ask you because not even you know.
Author notes
combination of two prompts:
001. write about someone in your life you have never written about. whether it be your mom, sister, brother, close friend, etc. something besides love or lost love; something original and unique. *put in your author's notes who you wrote about and why.
and
005. write me a poem about someone leaving, someone in the army, or someone you haven't seen for a long time. **this one hits home, so if you write about this, i want to read something that will make me cry. message me if you want details.
it's about my brother.
the reasons why i wrote about him are fairly evident in this piece.
In a list
A contest entry
- favorites; what have I missed? by coloringmysenses.
1750 points, ended October 5, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For my FAVES only; please enter. by perfectsunset.
750 points, ended October 7, 64 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This hurt me to write.
Comments
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This was such a wonderfully
written piece. Thank you
so much for sharing it
with me & best of luck
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I've read this so many times - probably the most I've ever read a single poem.
& it's just as excellent or better every time.
i've spent my entire lifetime wondering and considering what-ifs and hows and everything you never worried about. and sometimes when my brain won't shut down and i'm in the fetal position rocking back and forth wishing for arms to encase me in their warmth i understand why you live the way you do.
Again, you complete my thoughts. Those thoughts that are only halfway formulated and halfway provoked to even begin to construct the ending to that thought. But you, you just make it in one try.
Everything you write just has that phenomenal amount of emotion in it.
This is what makes you incredible. Never stop.
thank you for entering and good luck! <3
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This was so filled with emotion because it is so personal to me.
I was crying while I was writing it....
You're so lovely Danielle <3
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I don't know if I can properly put words together to describe what I feel about this piece. But i'll try. Completely amazing. I'm speachless. It's amazing all ready that you built up the courage to be able to open up and write about someone who obviously had a big impact on your life as a child. And now full of hope that, that person would come back into your life and be completely set free from what has consumed him for so many years. But yet your doubtful that that would even happen. The words and expressions that you used through out this poem were very moving. Filled with such deep, and emotional feelings. I felt the pain that you showed.
"...and sometimes when my brain wont shut down and i'm in the fetal position rocking back and forth wishing for arms to encase me in their warmth I understand why you live the way you do."
This gave me the visualization of you just all alone crying in a corner just wishing things would be different, and wanting and needing to feel some form of love from somebody. Again, I don't know if I could properly tell you how this write made me feel, but this is as close as I could explain it. You did and amazing job on such a personal, sensative, and touching subject. Excellent job.
Spoken
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i cant think of a better way to describe this piece other than phenomenally amazing, so you'll just have to settle for those words right now.
i love ever part about this poem. the first line of the second stanza is something i feel that many people do with their memories.
the third stanza numbs me with your honesty.
"half a lifetime is a lot to have spent half on earth and half in oblivion, but who am i to judge?"
this is so brutally honest and you should be proud to be able to write about something like this. and to write about it beautifully.
this will be added to my bookmarks list and i think it will put most of the other bookmarks to shame. i will definitely be stopping by your page to read more
good luck in the contests; the prompts you chose to mix are spectacular.
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your comment moved me.
it literally brought tears to my eyes.
thank you so much, i really appreciate it as this is quite possibly one of the most difficult and most personal poems i have ever written as it is 100% real.
thank you so so so much,
shelly
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"i sometimes wonder if the person i remember you to be ever existed at all, or if, like so many other memories, i have blended them with my fantasies, glossed them up, shined and polished them to remove the tarnishes"
this is exactly how I feel about the guy that just broke up with me, like maybe the boyfriend in my head is better than the boyfriend in front of me was
I'm sorry about your brother and even more sorry that my sympathy can't help -
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it's so hard to tell isn't it? you never know if you're remembering the person correctly or if nostalgia has warped everything that ever happened.
thank you, it's the thought that counts =]
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aw, love, I'm sorry.
I wish I could make it better.. like go up to your brother and knock some sense into him. but I'm too tiny and live in canada so that won't work.
I'm sorry you're hurting, hopefully one day he'll come back.
this is quite a touching piece, it really broke my heart
one of your best love
♥♥♥
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Hahahahaha I'd love to see you tackle my brother, it'd be soo funny
Ya, this broke my heart too, now you see why when Nate made me read it out that I almost cried? hahaha
Ooooh maybe I could get Nate to knock some sense into him?!?! Nate's taller than my bro...but not bigger hmmm *rubs chin*
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=/
*huggles*
its sad, i love this.
very heart-wrenching.
it hurts-it really does.
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*huggles*
thank you, ivy.
this means a lot to me -
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youre welcome love.
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This is, byfar your best write ive read so far.
Bravo!
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Wow.
You read that fast. Thank you. It's also the one that's most personal, I held nothing back, that's probably why you think that
<3 -
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Its easy to read perfection. You know you read something good when you lick each word to find the conclusion.
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Thank you so so so much ♥
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