Your tone yearned to engender inspiration, but my mind was lost in your heartbeat.
Inherently, it wasn't until I went deaf from all the pounding that I realized what you were trying to tell me all along. You arranged my stars in linear patterns to guide me to places I feared to go. Your luxuriant ego swallowed my descending heart; now my nomadic soul drifts through your veins instead.
The windows in your eyes are opaque, but preeminently, they are cracked. The profusion of emotions and poisons you inject in my bloodstream invoke my servitude. I have an unrelenting passion to prove myself to you.
But I'm not going to lie: I will never love you.
Author notes
sooo, my assignment was to write a story using my vocabulary words in my english class. but since i dislike my english teacher, i wrote a poetic prose piece using my vocabulary words instead. i dont know what grade he will give me yet. but i bet he will mark me down for not writing an actual story. >=[[ oh well. this didnt turn out so bad after all.
vocab. words: engender, inherently, linear, luxuriant, nomadic, opaque, preeminently, profusion, servitude, unrelenting
e x p l a i n . e v e r y t h i n g
What do you think?
Comments
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"now my nomadic soul drifts through your veins instead."
very thoughtful line there.
LoveLoveLOVE the ending:
"I have an unrelenting passion to prove myself to you.
But I'm not going to lie: I will never love you."
to hell with the original assignment; if your teacher knows good prose when he sees it, he should give this an A.
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i got a check mark. haha. with is essentially an A. yay me. he says i can write prose or poetry for my vocab assignments if i want to. and i will. =D
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So... you needed to write a story, eh... well, maybe I can help there (as long as your English teacher doesn't see! ) and I see you're entering it in several contests... hope you meet each contest's requirements... let's see what you have already, and if it pertains to my contest here... well, it doesn't really, it's not a ramble or a comment on rambling, but I think you already have a story (with a hanging end)... I wouldn't use it as a love poem, I think you'd lose her with the 'cracked eyes'...! (or much earlier, at the 'yearned to engender inspiration')... you do reveal an aspect of a profound mind, however, in that you can distinguish between feelings- between servitude, a passion to prove, and love... if you actually can, the you are way ahead of the rest of humanity...!
To improve the piece, try using some alliterative words with the required words to 'pretty-up' the piece, and make it more 'poetic' to the average reader... -
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thanks for your comment, sorry it didnt match your contest quite right...i thought it was kind of close cuz this poem has no point to it really...but i can see what you mean.
but i do appreciate the comment...by the way, i am a girl, and this isnt supposed to be a love poem really...its really kind of/sort of directed at my mother, whom i hate, yet i feel like crap when im not good enough for her...ya know? i dont know...it doesnt have much point like i said...just had to throw something together for my class. xD
i may touch it up later with some of your advice. thanks again. -
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hey! I see you were tinkering with it... you know what I REALLY think? That if you put some explosive emotion in it, you'll get an A...! (so, can you raise your mental voice to a seething roar?)
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i turned that in already, but its a cool idea to either edit this, or to put into a new poem!! =D
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