Did it really make you smile that much to see my lips stitched together? How could I have known what to say, when every word I spoke was transformed into something that didn’t matter to you? It was always all about you, and it still is. Half of the b u l l s h i t we’ve exchanged insults about has been your fault, though the blame always seems to end up on my shoulders. I can see your eyes smiling when you find out that you’ve gotten away with hurting me, again. Not this time.
I always told you love was something I couldn’t say in between “I” and “You” because I didn’t know what the words meant together. You scoffed and rolled your eyes. You never understood, and you still don’t. I can’t talk to you, so instead I scream at you through our intertwined hands. Love is something I will never feel for you. Love is lies that you pounded into my thighs and whispered, furtively, in my ear. Love is something I will never feel for you again, and will never believe that you feel for me. I will not allow myself to be let down by a four letter word that means nothing but b u l l s h i t to you.
You throw lies at me and except me to smile through it all. And it doesn’t mean anything to you that all of the tears I’ve cried are because of the pain that you so willingly put me through. You twist my heart into a million pieces and then wonder why I am always so “moody” or “Depressed” or “grumpy.” BULLSHIT. Seven letters that describe all of the lies you told me about how you loved me. I cannot believe I was gullible enough to believe them, even when my damaged heart pulled at the strings connecting to my brain, telling me to stop before I was hurt too much to breathe. I didn’t listen, though, and all because your b u l l s h i t deluded me into thinking you were the perfect guy for me. Boy, was I ever wrong.
I can’t face you. You’re a lie and I cannot face the truth inside me telling me to let you go. Leave you. It takes all of my strength to refuse the temptation to show you all of the pain you have put me through. Revenge is sweet, but my fear of losing what we used to have pushes each and every hateful though of you out of my head. You tell me what I say is b u l l s h i t, but do you really have a fool- proof way of proving me wrong this time?
“I asked you to look at me”
I can’t look you in the eye. Each time your fingers grasp my chin and lead it toward your face, I pray to God I won’t see what I’ve always seen as long as I can remember. But you’re a monster and you have a stronghold on me. I fear if I try to move away from you, you’ll steal a piece of the mask that is my face. Instead I grasp you tighter to me, making believe if I hold you tight enough you’ll stay with me for good. But I know for a fact that tomorrow will be just like the others, leaving my pillow tear soaked and my eyes red rimmed from crying. You’ll never know how much I’ve cried over you. How I hurried to redo my mask to look perfect for your arrival, only to wash it all away with my sobs after your absence caved in on me. Nothing was ever good enough for me to claim I had experienced the perfect night in your wake. Your presence used to be enough to make my cheeks burn fire, and now I turn my eyes to the ground and wonder when I can finally make my escape. My love for you vanished overnight because you failed to keep the comparable promise that things WOULD change. I failed in believing that this was maybe one promise of yours you would actually keep. I shouldn’t have let your never-ending emerald’s convince me. I should’ve seen through your b u l l s h i t all along.
Because of you, my life is now b u l l s h i t.
I hope you know I wish I was dead.
And if that was your wish, it’s been granted.
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