change moves
quicksilver
within him; to slow
his shift from child to man
would poison us
both
Author notes
ok...i went back to the original version of this. for reference - below is the longer draft, but like i said, i think it lost its poetry and the metaphor...
change moves
quicksilver
within him
aging unrestrained,
a blurred
flurry of neither here
nor there,
he transforms
before me
i desire
to freeze him in this
infancy
to hold on to him
as he is now
but
to slow his shift
from child to man
would poison us
both
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
I think you made the right choice cutting this down, but as always I favour the lean. It took me a moment to warm up to "quicksilver" but that was only a rushed judgment, it works well.
-
I like this. I'll try to come back to it when I'm not so tired and see if I can offer any suggestions. Nice to see your name around and congrats on being a new Mommy!
-
I love how this gives a feeling of rushing forward, yet is slowed by the shift, and the thoughts that allow me to relate...makes me think of my son. Enjoyed.
-
-
thank you! i wrote this about my baby boy! he's just 12 weeks, but is already growing so quickly!! how old is yours?
-
-
ooh, congrats on the birth of your son
mine just turned 10 years in July...seems like only yesterday that he was born.
-
-
-
love the title..
i think you have a strong idea here--
maybe the ending is too obvious in its wording?..
love the word quicksilver-- i am not thrilled with the word Like where it is.. almost think you can imply "like"
he is quicksilver
a fast shift from child to man.. etc or something like that.. ? maybe?
Great seeing you .. thanks so much for the read last night.. was a nice surprise
m
-
-
thank you! i agree with removing the word like...i started this as a cinquain, and i had it there simply for the syllables. i don't know how to make the ending less obvious...it'll come...i just need more time to mull it over
i've missed it here...i hope my muse sticks around this time
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
