You're a ‘dem fine woman’, full of life and lots of fun
when we're still pretending the beginning 'us' was true.
Decades of misplaced prayer, sown to 'castles in the air',
led us to understanding of what daydreams can undo.
"Turn with tears from insight won in times of lost delight,
tender days of innocence, long before we opened wide,"
says the rewritten soul, longing for its own control.
"Be content with broken bits of a mislaid love that died."
Sown in common torment, lands we furrowed to repent,
fertile fields, sifted clean of most any stump or rocks,
weary, we sowed in blindness hopes to reap what we’d possess.
Seed dies to regenerate the creation it unlocks.
Author notes
Form: Nonce, aA B cC B
- Rhyme and Meter Workshop group list • next in list
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Comments
1 - 52 of 52
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(crys) that good!!
for some reason i atarted to cry it was a great poem it hit me to the core it most be me any way that was a great poem this is what i think about it IT IS GOOD but u can make it better if u want I WOULD not it looks great any way i like this part the most.
"You're a ‘dem fine woman’, full of life and lots of fun
when we're still pretending the beginning 'us' was true.
Decades of misplaced prayer, sown to 'castles in the air',
pointed to understanding of what daydreams can undo."
what is the poem truly talking about it has me questionong alot about it adn the mean i do know the mean but the DEEPER MEANING of the poem it seem slike you are try to say some thing about a lover or some thing thta u are i dont know its ur poem its good exellent.
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For more you can Google "Kant’s Theory of the Self" or "empirical apperception"
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That is new.
This is a new form that I have finally read for the first time that I can recall. And you did it very well. It seems that I was reading something from one of the poets back in the 17th century. You did very well, with deep meaning. -
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What a nice thing to say. Thank you!
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What can I say other than interesting and fascinating!...Hazel
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Very interesting. Gives great thought and the verses create perfect pattern, very enjoyable.
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True: women are ful of life
You remark "the beginning 'us' was true" as well, and the general flow in your poem gives us the flaw to understand what is true-what is not. Maybe it needs spending " decades of misplaced prayers"!
Congratulations poet friend....
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It took three decades of them for me (smile). Thanks for the comment.
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A bit depressing this one! But still literate and talented. Well done - but cheer up and invest in a bottle of nice wine.
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I'm sober now ...
... thanks for reading and advising (smile).
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This was something else. Much appreciated. Thank you. ^^
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Awesome - Love it!
I clicked on your featured poem here out of curiousity, since just yesterday I was looking at some artwork (found online) entitled "Seed" produced by a prominent Southern California artist by the name of Martin Facey. Your poem, "Seed", and his abstract paintings make a great combination! Good work, Poet!! I'm wishing you all the best!!!
Cyn
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I am not sure I understand this poem I am going to reread it but I think you are trying to tell us about rebirth of anything and everything. If I am wrong please let me know.
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For more you can Google "Kant’s Theory of the Self" or "empirical apperception"
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You have adopted and maintained a difficult rhyme scheme, but at some cost to the naturalness and flow of the language.
You are obviously a deep thinker. Perhaps too much of that has led you to use metaphors that seem a little odd or strained to a fresh eye. How does one chase castles? What can daydreams "undo"? What is meant by a soul being "rewritten"? What is a soul's "own control"?
I get the gist of parts of the poem. I struggle with much of it, partly because the viewpoint changes (the poem opens with a quote apparently addressed by a poetic persona directly to a woman partner or friend, and then moves to objective descriptive in the second stanza, and then to authorial philosophising in the third stanza), and partly because the theme isn't clear. The first two stanzas don't say anything reflecting the title 'Seed'; and the statement made in the closing line doesn't appear to relate to anything described earlier in the poem.
By these comments, I certaintly don't mean to denigrate your talent or to discourage you. On the contrary, I encourage you to keep writing poems, and to post some more.
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'Castles in the air' ...
Dear Seasinger, 'castles in the air' is a common idiom for daydreams, or for dreaming about something unattainable. It's used when talking about someone who likes to spend time thinking about things that have little to do with his / her own reality. Thanks for the comment.
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I like your username, first of all, the write, I'm on the fence about it. Throughout the entire thing, while not long by any stretch, I went from liking it to disliking it, back again, it was a see-saw for me and unfortunately, I'm bankrupt as to why.
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Beautiful
It took me a few reads to understand the form, but after reading it aloud, I can see the flow. There is so much beautiful imagery here, especially in the last stanza. There is a definite feeling of wisdom, sadness and hope wrapped in these lines. Keep up the good work.
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Puzzled
Your lines don't seem to be very rhythmical, especially if one tries to cope with the internal rhymes. You appear to want "tears" to be read as two syllables, and "insight" to be stressed on the second syllable, as you do "torment" and "blindness". And although I obviously understood all the words, I couldn't understand what you meant in putting them together as you did. How, for example, do you "misplace prayer"?
The last line of all is much too hermetic for me.
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I see what you mean about the meter ...
Yes, I’m giving two beats of meter to words with diphthongs like 'ours' and 'tears'. No, on the 'aa' and 'bb' internal rhymes, the emphasis changes: wo' man / fun', pray' er / air, in' sight / de light', etc. An example of a misplaced prayer might be something like a person praying the police won't catch them driving home drunk, or just praying to get away with breaking any moral law. Esoteric or not, the way a seed dies in order to become a full grown plant is the concept I intended for this poem. Thank you for your thoughtful comment. Warm regards, Sultan
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A good write with vivid imagery
I enjoyed the read
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First off thanks for explaining a little bit about the form that you are using. I am new to forms and it truly helps when the person who uses them explains them. Helps me become familiar a little bit with them.
Also, I don't think I have ever read anything of yours before so I found this write to be interesting.
I would would be glad to read more of your work.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
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Interesting
This piece seems to hold many mysteries
of love known and lost. I can feel a melancholy
spirit underneath the words. memories are fleeting
but necessary for our survival. Nicely done -
the last line is all that I'd revise, I'd make it personal like; " and our seed did die for twas our true selves that it did unlock" -it just seems like the flow is stooped and all that brilliant metaphor is undone w humility without punctuation... otherwise great write!
w an eraser
-Jas
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Thanks for reading and avising.
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Superb
'tis a very fine write, indeed. You have expressed your thoughts quite well. Imagery, rhythm and rhyme are just fine. Thanks for sharing.
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She is a fine lady and raised your children with so much grace. I look at your poem and see that I stand in the beginnig of my life where you once was. I read this and I can feel the fulfilment that she have brought you. I enjoyed reading this and wish you luck in the contest.
Take care my friend
Becks
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So good to hear from you!!!
I trust all is well. I haven't been writing much this past year. Thanks for still reading and commenting. Love, Sultan
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Always good to see your poetry my friend
And this is thoughtful poetry in a very interesting form, glad I read it
Jeff
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Thanks for reading and commenting!
This is a nonce form that I've been working with for a few years. I derived it from Florence Page's children's poem Puffin.
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cool imagery of love lost. like your use of language - especially liked the 'words' spoken by the rewritten soul -
"Turn with tears from insight won in times of lost delight,
tender days of innocence, long before we opened wide,"
............
"Be content with broken bits of a mislaid love that died."
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Wow in my point of view this is something that I would never write, I guess that's why you wrote it.
No this is not a bad comment either I enjoyed the uniqueness of the yearning for something to have control over something that has control over it's self. But I am young so I may be deceived, but again brilliant write!!!
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this is really good, i enjoyed the read
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I thought I understood lines 3 and 4, but I'm not sure I do... when you have daydreams undoing something... you're saying here that the daydreams were unrealistic hopes and dreams- same thing as the castles in the air?
Still I'm happy about the hopefulness in your last stanza and the promise of re-creation it speaks forth. -
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hmmm...
Don’t disappointments from misdirected energy often lead to new ‘daydreams’ too (smile)? -
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I suppose...so we give up on having hopes and dreams in life because maybe they 'could be somewhat misconceived ? No, better at least to direct your energy somewhere than to not do anything with it...a rolling ball is easier to redirect than to get it moving in the first place.
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Agreed ...
... it's all about getting redirected.
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lessons of the past, give us hope if we allow, so better armed now for what is ahead, the sadness gives us a shadow behind us, and an eagerness for the sun...well done here in end rhyme...PK
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I felt like my existence beyond reality was palpitating wrong when I read the fourth line of the first stanza. Something about that rang brutally true to me. This was a stunning poem, very...
I don't know. Something I can't name, but is on the tip of my tongue.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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Wonderful vocabulary and I think that is what keeps the reader capitavated and drawn to the vivid imagery. Well done!
Love,
Amera♥
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good
The poem is structured well and flows ok. The author uses good imagery and maintains a poetic flow through the whole piece. Nice flow of words attracting the reader with their simplicity of purpose, resulting in a pleasant sounding poem ending on a spiritual (uplifting) note.
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Oh ye Sultan of rhyme where once the landscape was barren I found sustenance to carry on, for rhyme is not dead... Long live the rhyme.
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I liked this writ...very nice. Love and the dying of love and the seed that can come from love lost. The seed is the most important thing. What will one do with this seed? Plant it and hope for the life that involves the memories of the past. Going through spats and happy times often make a relationship stronger..to me this is the seed that dies and produces a better root. The root is the anchor of a relationship from which the flowers bloom, dies, and bloom again. Very nice writ. Thanks for sharing.
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Outstanding as usual...
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I love this. The vocabulary and structure is amazing. Seems very sad and eery, I've read it a few times now and still don't completely understand it. Really good write, I like it.
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The imagery and emotion is very strong. Love it
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I love the struggle portrayed here, the back and forth tugging at my feelings as I read this. "Wiping away the insight won in times of lost delight" (this is heartbreaking) Good work, CHEERS!
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I'm caught between sadness and happiness here, a fine balance. So many good lines in this poem, images of young and carefree love that is tested by the events of time, so innocence becomes experience, 'the broken bits of early love that died'.
The final stanza lets me see work - I'm not sure who steers the furrows, but the field is now fertile and waiting to produce new life. The final line reminds me that the cycle of life contains death, but death is no ending, it is a new beginning.
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Very good poem!
I love, "It's so nice pretending our beginning is still true"...that is so true I immediately connect with the speaker. "what daydreams can undo" don't think I've heard that before...sometimes a line is so good, you think you had to have read it somewhere..
Very lonely and hopeless, 'May I share your broken bits of early love that died?"
Almost like they want to take their lover with them when they go..they don't really want to lose them so they'll take the crums.
This is a very good poem.
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Seeds must die before they give the life they will unlock.
Everything happens for a reason, and so you have to lose something good to find something precious.
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I feel sad when I read this, but there are some excellent lines and the last line gives a spark of hope.
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