My lover persists from the heights of melodrama
virtousically perplexing the grand pursuit
scouring, incurring, harkening the outcries sake
confusing the ways of this wooing ebb
I expell to the reverseful calm of the sea
and see a virtu in its piercing beams
composed in the crepuscular turf of turfs
I witness the trepidation from a flock of geese
My mind has been dwelling in her bloodless raiment
pluvious as the clouds go crumb
now seeing illuminations of a love awake
one sub-fuse patch of mammatus, reflects the waves
This was when the cherubic motionless was found in beauty
and the martial arts of loving did agian, honor the foe
for her shapes imitated, my mind catenated
and our love did prevail in fulfilling vows
Author notes
Feel free to critique.
Comments
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loafy, baby, you are breath of fresh air to me! much love!
where to begin... ? there is so much i like in this. definitely my favorite part though is: "pluvious as the clouds go crumb" - that is sheer genius!!! i often re-read your poems aloud because they seem to lend themselves to that. they tease the mind but the tongue as well. and this particular line is a pleasure to say. i had to look up "pluvious" which is great! and it seems perfect here. i also love the alliteration of clouds and crumb.
other parts i enjoyed - "illuminations of a love awake"
and i like the ideas of a reverseful calm, a wooing ebb and a catenated mind - these are so full. wonderful!
as far as revision goes you might take a second look at the last line of the second stanza and the last line of the last stanza. the rest of the poem is so charged with energy, these lines to me seem a little anti-climatic. when so many of the other words in a poem are so fresh and stimulating, saying that views are "different" or that love "prevails in fulfilling" vows seems simple or hackneyed by comparison. wordsmith that you are - i'm sure you could conjure up a thousand other exciting words to use. just a thought.
overall i thought this piece was super! pluvious - i love it! i swear i learn something new everytime i read one of your poems and that is a good thing!
enjoyed! - Mary Jo
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"My mind has been dwelling in her bloodless raiment" how nice!
Isn't that called true platonic love?I seem to agree with you a lot.
"for her shapes imitated, my mind catenated
and our love did prevail in fulfilling vows" Beautiful lines on Love.
Thanks for entering this poem in my contest and I wish you all the best.
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'the martial arts of loving' is a particularly good phrase. I must read more of your work.
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