verse one
those charted tears linger darkly on her face
alone but not forgotten, she's a victim of disgrace
the memories remain unearthed to torment sullen souls
nostalgia of the hardest kind uproots the dreams of old
verse two
her lonely days are painted up with senseless alibis
her chilling nights are harboring laments and unknown cries
no freedom from the grasp existence holds around the mind
a simple place of solace is all she needs to find
chorus
and every little step she takes
is just a life she cannot make
the price she'd pay for liberty
is none but hollow vanity
she drowns in dampened memories
to realize what her eyes can't see
verse three
the pages have turned, the months have changed
but her solitary lifestyle remains the same
she is now her own prisoner of self-neglect
her ghostly reflection commands no respect
chorus
and every little step she takes
is just a life she cannot make
the price she'd pay for liberty
is none but hollow vanity
she drowns in dampened memories
to realize what her eyes can't see
bridge
now it's 2 a.m. and she's goin' insane
all her regrets spiraling down the drain
with tears in her eyes and mud on her name
she'll never find someone to relieve the blame
chorus
and every little step she takes
is just a life she cannot make
the price she'd pay for liberty
is none but hollow vanity
she drowns in dampened memories
to realize what her eyes can't see
Author notes
“and i cannot bear to lose
you, no, not yet;
there’s this voice i hear
through my veins
meandering across my ribs,
up my neck and
into my ear -
i hear the sounds of when
you’d follow that same path
with your lips -
they gently kiss
my memory…”
-Sideways Hourglass
i cannot express how difficult it is to write lyrics that make sense when you have system of a down stuck in your head.
this is basically about a girl who has so many memories about her lost love that they're tearing her up and she can't stop thinking about them/him. not a fun scenario to be in.
In a list
A contest entry
- X Factor 3: Round Two (Top 14) by sideways hourglass.
625 points, ended September 11, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
love me cancerously
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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I love reading songs that people come up with because I love trying to find tunes that could go with them, however my sound doesn't work and i'm no good with computors so I can't fix that yet. Shame, I tell you what I think one of Yirma's pieces would fit with this quite elegantly.
Well done on writting this!
Best of luck
Dryad Enya -
Marvelous write Jackie !! Beautifully
executed , you are one very talented
poetess !! Congratulations on your
Winning the SILVER shiny !! Take care ,
Best wishes & hug , friend Easy
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oh wow this is amazing.
I love the chorus.
thank you so much for entering,
wonderful write. good luck. -
Wow. This would make a stunning song. Amazing work. Congratulations on your silver trophy.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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X Factor
this is my favourite so far - i love it!
vacant nights:
Originality: 15/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 15/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 15/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 15/15
Overall opinion: 15/15
impact/reaction: 15/15
Mechanics: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 10/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 9/10
X Factor Bonus: 10/10
Total: 209 X Factor
laura.
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thank you for such a high score =]
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you earned it...you have a knack with lyrics - I actually sang this as i read it & enjoyed it very much. Congrats on your trophy.
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I have been considering writing some music for it.
I've never really attempted lyrics. I mean, 3 years ago I did, but 3 years ago I couldn't write like I can now. -
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maybe this is your cue to start writing them again.
if you decide it's what you wish to do, i'd like to read them please.
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vacant nights [lyrics]
Originality: 15/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 14/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 14/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 14/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 14/15
Overall opinion: 14/15
impact/reaction: 14/15
Mechanics: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 10/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 9/10
X Factor Bonus: 10/10
Total: 203
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Liz's Rubric for vacant nights: 202
Originality: 14/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 14/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 14/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 15/15
Overall opinion: 14/15
impact/reaction: 14/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 14/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 9/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 10/10
Total: 202
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we have discovered your secret talent! you m'dear jackie, are a phenomenal lyricist.
'now it's 2 a.m. and she's goin' insane
all her regrets spiraling down the drain
with tears in her eyes and mud on her name
she'll never find someone to relieve the blame'
that's freaking amazing. this is so much better than mine. XD
seriously, though. you should try writing lyrics more often, you're really good at them.
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Told you it was amazing!
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204 - X Factor
Originality: 14/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 15/15
Line breaks/structure: 13/15 ~ i think a repetition of the chorus would have finalized the lyrics. if not, then have some kind of fade going on. That would have imposed a more powerful impact on me.
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 15/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 15/15
Overall opinion: 14/15
impact/reaction: 14/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 10/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 9/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/10
Total: 204 - X Factor
All in all, this is was stellar. I've given out a lot of XF's this round, but...the writing speaks for itself. This is no exception. Great stuff.
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Okay first off in the second line of the third verse, delete "still".
"She is now her own prisoner in a cage of self-neglect" I don't know why but that just doesn't seem to flow well. "She is now her own prisoner of self-neglect" sounds better, at least to me.
"Her ghostly reflection commands not respect" makes that line flow better too. Or commands no respect. Whichever you prefer.
I think in this case the bridge should be negative. -
I really like it. And it's not crap, shut up.
This is great.
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ahhh another reserve. Please let me know when you are finished with this one so I can give it a proper comment. Thanks.
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it's finished.
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