Perhaps had she lived
she would have survived
She would've climbed up the mountain
forever have strived.
But the moon yanked her away
to the heavens above
left her lost in her mind
with no chance for love.
She pulls rocks from her pockets
and claims they are stars
Says mystical fairies
drive fast motor cars.
She dances and twirls,
is naked at moonlight
her hair remains wild
she's a sorrowful sight.
For she once had dreams
now they're gone, it's not fair,
for the girl who holds stars
and sees what is not there.
A contest entry
- Starshine..... by Stirrer of Stardust.
700 points, ended September 9, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
It's beautiful and very sad. This piece has a nice flow. There are a couple of errors - think you mean mystical and twirls.
I don't like the direction you took with the prompt. For instance, the second to last stanza - she's dancing and twirling free in the moonlight, not caring what anyone may think if any are watching. And then you say she's a sorrowful sight. It's like a punch in the gut that knocks the wind out of you.
Don't be disheartened - the writing is fine, it's just my personal opinion.
Thanks for the entry!
Sincerely,
~
~ Janet ~ ~
-
-
Thank you for catching my errors... Yes it is sad... for she is thinks she is twirling free however due to some unfortunate incident not mentioned in the poem, she has become insane, or not right in the head. She sees 'what is not there' ect. ect. Which is sad because she used to have so many dreams for the future.
-
Adding your comment:
