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We broke the meaning

I peer out:
Striped image
Small image
Shafts of light
Squinting. Straining. Panting.
Sitting in the dark
Your mouth flickers
I watch it stretch to a monstrous size
Gulping lengthily, guzzling in air.
Cracked lips contorting

You peer in:
Dark figure
Big figure
Widening eyes
Glaring. Gawping. Staring.
Standing in the warmth
My mouth trembles
You watch it quiver then barely rise
Gasping timidly, compressing air
Shapeless and distorting

Eyes meet:
Half humanoid
Dishevelled
Swallowing hard
To rid us of these empty words
All we are now . . .

Cracked. Shapeless. Nothing


A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments


  • Manda Kathryn Greeters member
    September 18

    Edit | Reply

    Thank You for Your Entry ~

    I found myself needing to blink at the end because I was peering so hard at the words it began hurting my eyes I like how 'rough' this appears just as if it were craved into a wall at a prison - excellent

    Best of Luck

    Stay safe
    ~Manda


    • forgotten hopes
      September 19
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you!

      You judge so well in your contests, I think I shall enter more of yours because your feedback is very useful and inspiring. Glad you liked this. Do you have any editorial notes at all?

      Good trophey choices by the way, I was lucky to even get noticed over those! need to read them back again and comment i think.

      Cheers much
      SCH


      • Manda Kathryn Greeters member
        September 19
        Edit | Reply
        Thank You for the reply Made my day that someone finds my feedback useful, don't think I've ever heard that before so thank you for making my whole month

        No I don't have an editorial notes actually, never thought about it before
        I very much enjoyed your piece and I do hope you enter a contest of mine again

        Stay safe


  • Poetic-Theorem silver member
    September 7

    Edit | Reply
    Wow!
    A very wonderful take on the prompt
    Great imagery and creativity
    Brilliant vocabulary choice
    Bravo

    Wish you the very best in the contest
    Take care my friend
    David