teeth made whet remarks in tones of saliva
forced into bent neck obedience training,
by fist furled, curled tightly to my thick hairline
so I came undone.
you raided rain soaked treasures beneath my cries,
as I folded candle burns steeped in regrets,
under red riding hood's singed cloak plunged the last
bites of big bad wolf.
so I traded cheap goodies of salty mirth
for fresh feathers of falcon flight - in favor
of dreamy fades, spurring notions of conquest,
of haunted hunting.
you continued to laugh lashes whipped so raw,
cut marrow to harrowed hollow to salvage
fractured faith upon baseless banalities
sprung forth from hard lips.
flayed, as welts wielded to wend their way open,
I could not recognize my own reflection-
this fey and foreign beast before me shackled,
upon broken knees.
Author notes
Loose Sapphic:
http://allpoetry.com/column/show/2337109
allusion: L7-"red riding hood" and L8-"big bad wolf"
assonance:
L3-"furled, curled" 'ur' sound
L14-"marrow to harrowed" 'ow' sound
Prompt:
"i don't like emotional pain, not when it has the potential to destroy me...
it makes me have to grow an extra sheath of skin-
one that's never tried, or tested...just quite simply worn".
- Laura Lamarca 30th August 2009.
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Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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Sometimes I like to write in form, sometimes I don't and the same goes with reading. I read this and can feel the form restraining your words, I feel them wanting to burst forth - to get loose from the burden. This form is a good choice for this write.
ken
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This is very rich and lush in word-choice and poetic devices. I like the form, and you used it well here.
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This is insanely affecting...And I see from other's comments, I am not alone.
You delve into this with hands and feet and mouth wide open...
And what tumbles forth is something to get lost in; to spread a noir cape over
hoping to encompass every last reference. You have me bowing. Blue
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apart from having trouble reading the small font (I had to enlarge my page font)
.. I love every single line .. brill.
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so I traded cheap goodies of salty mirth
for fresh feathers of falcon flight - in favor
of dreamy fades, spurring notions of conquest,
of haunted hunting
Sad piece of poetry
Leaves a massive sense of loss
Well done
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I have yet to try this form and you make it look so easy. This is a hard hitting piece, the breaking in of the wild side - I felt tears well at the end, knowing that a broken spirit is truly internal death.
Beautifully handled. I loved your wonderful use of internal rhyme and brilliant alliteration. Kept the piece rolling and smooth. Loved this. Truly exceptional work here dear soul. Bravo! ~Pamela 
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Thank you, Pamela.
I know if you were to test out this form, you would enjoy the freedom within it. It still takes a bit of discipline, but I enjoyed the form. I would love to read it, if you ever do write a Loose Sapphic. Again, thank you sweetie.
~Hettie
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Believe me, I will let you know and I will tackle this form. Just have not had the time I want to focus on this form yet. AND I say yet.
I will let you know for certain once I write one and would love to hear your thoughts on it. Thanks Hettie. You are a good soul. ~Pamela
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What is striking about your poetry and this poem in particular is the depth of emotion that you seem to pen so easily. Mairi will most certainly be glad to read this poem as you have done her form justice and paid tribute to Sapphos herself.
Love,
Amera♥
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Sad how there are so many people who will relate to this. Words have not failed you here and they flow easily over the cries. I was impressed and I like the form.
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i can relate well to this one
it has tragic beauty weaved through the words
just wonderful to read and think back on my own twisted pains and realities.
its good to remember sometimes
thank you
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Strong work as usual, poet!
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You never cease to amaze me.
You are the strongest woman I've ever met in my life.
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another form unknown to me
though the thoughtof loose sapphicc form tweeks my imagination I feel the passion and the angst of your words as the roll around my brain.
flayed, as welts wielded to wend their way open,
I could not recognize my own reflection-
this fey and foreign beast before me, shackled
upon broken knees.
*
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I have never heard of this form til you mentioned it but like the other comment I know what I like and don't like. I like this. Your word usage is very good. Wonderful imagery. Thanks for sharing this with us.
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There are so many lovely elements in this poem. The alliteration is intriguing and the metaphor is outstanding. I have read Mairi's column on this form and I know she feels that line breaks can substitute for punctuation, but there are several lines that would be more easily understood with a little judicious punctuation. The last stanza, for example, is so weighty with wording that I am still unsure of who or what could not recognize the reflection. It was a pleasure to read this, and it will inspire me to attempt to reach this standard with my own poem. Peace, Liz
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Thank you Liz, as always your insightful input is very welcome. I may go back and tie that last stanza just a bit more cohesively as you suggested. Again, thank you.
~Hettie
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WOW!!!
What deeply dark and powerful piece!! gosh, i'm just picking my jaw up off the floor because quite frankly..THIS FLOORED ME! ..DAMN a top fav. my sweet friend..
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Holy shit!! Man, now this is just awesome, the message infuriates me but the form and all of the "poetic devices" used is remarkable. I just can't twist the language to my use in that manner, this is beautifully done, I'm glad I don't have to go against this. Although not having looked at the others and the quality of those left, I am sure mine pales in comparison. Yours and Laura's both are stunning.
Very well done... Scott
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deep and dark this image you have penned
with venom in the soul I feel the imagery
and the intense flow of this shackled soul
I think this is well done
Hugs Angel♥
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Oh man, this is intense. Picking out my favourite part is impossible because it is all just so good. I mean...damn. There is something very deep about this and I have read it three times. It truly is an amzazing poem. I loved te refrences to "Little Red Riding hood"
Síochán leat
~Mairéad~
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Thank you, this is my first attempt at a Loose Sapphic form. I just hope I did okay. Good to see you back. Missed you.
~Hettie
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Haha, well I know nothing about Loose Sapphic form. I just know it sounds good. Thank you, it's good to be back. Missed you too. Missed everyone. : )
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L12 has 6 syllables.
L16...depending on pronunciation, could be 5 or 6 syllables. "cruel" or "cru_el" - my northern english dialect counts it as 2; yet my disciplined english counts 1. 'twas just an observation.
apart from those tiny edits, this is very good for a first attempt. the form seems to suit you too.
Love you sis,
:
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Thank you hun,I was a little unsure of the pronunciation syllables on those two lines as well. In American dialect they read correctly counted, but I'll adjust those two lines, regardless, to correct any inconsistencies.
Working on it now.
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Fixed and corrected.
Love Ya too, sis,
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