sixth floor
even if you argued
they came,
coated white
with needles
like blood-feeding mosquitoes
heeding greater effects
than a simple itch
or a bumpy forehead,
a serum to put you down
for days.
gazing through your ears
they recorded dreams
then scored them
across bits of linoleum
to be inked and pressed and hung.
you wake up
like tradition;
the spot on your ceiling
does not grow bigger
but more important
like maturation
feeling your voice drop
right into my hands
wondering what the branches
that don't bear flowers
feel
because you are
one in the same.
Author notes
don't get your hopes up
In a list
A contest entry
- Introspection: a series -- round one by unraveled.
700 points, ended September 13, 16 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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this one is eerie. for real.
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i am so glad that i gracefully bowed out of this series when i did! lol!
congrats ..
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easily one of the best entries. no issues with content. my only real concern is punctuation.
even if you argued
they came,
coated white
with needles
even if you argued,
they came:
coated white
with needles
---
you wake up
like tradition
the spot on your ceiling
does not grow bigger
but more important
like maturation
you wake up
like tradition;
the spot on your ceiling
does not grow bigger
but more important-
like maturation
the second part is kind of hard to break up because its kind of formless in terms of real sentence structure. but its also a little hard to follow for the same reason.
content/creativity- 40
execution/form- 32
cohesion/balance: 18
total- 90
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There is such a feeling of despair, as if you are looking at the world outside and clawing only to find the room is doorless and full of windows...like a tease.
♥
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Hmm. I came back to read this once more. It is still making me ponder who you are talking about.
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content/creativity: 40/40
execution/form: 35/40
cohesion/balance: 17/20
total:
93
I saved this poem for last in my judging because, well, I can't figure out what to say about it. You have stumped me a bit for commentary. But, being a judge, I can't escape so easily with a period and 3 clappies.
I can't even think of a reason to take points off on content/creativity. It lacks nothing. It needs no flowering branches. Pardon my blatant pun-reference to your image. These are the types of thoughts that entertain me and I can't make myself delete that text.
I am not sure if you are literally talking about a hospital or another situation that fits with hospital images. I think I don't know your writing well enough to tell for sure. Maybe this is something about clarity you could improve on, but it is beautiful as it stands. Maybe it doesn't need to be known.
My favorite part is
"but more important
like maturation
feeling your voice drop
right into my hands"
Just so... perfectly executed.
I hope by looking at other scores from this round you will see how highly I think of this.
Thank you
Cassidy -
i read this one and the last couple you posted and was thoroughly impressed, especially by the dry spells one. this was more brief and contained more (than usual) of your interesting pictures and was distinctly yours. but i don't think i understand this one, maybe cause it's shorter and has less straws for me to grasp at. the way it usually works with your stuff is that a grip on one stanza would lead me to a clearer understand of another, domino effect-like. maybe you'll explain this to me sometime
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i just got this comment. i miss you.
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"you wake up
like tradition
the spot on your ceiling
does not grow bigger"
wayy too awesome.
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I really like your sparse of punctuation; that way, when you use it, it always feels right and necessary.
"like blood-feeding mosquitoes
heeding greater effects
than a simple itch
or a bumpy forehead,
a serum to put you down
for days."
I love that comma, but more relevantly, those lines ... in fact, my forehead is FUCKING itchy now, although the source of the itch probably isn't a mosquito ... the serum thing sounds so truthfully potent.
"you wake up
like tradition"
!!!
!!!
!!!
That is a fantastically amazing simile. It makes me feel tired and refreshed at the same time.
Your writing is a ferocious tattoo.
;
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I think this was one of my favorites from you. every line just kind of delivers this blow that lingers in the mind. one question I do have concerns the very last line. "one in the same". That's a new one to me. Did you mean "one AND the same", or something else? anyway, even if the last line is a typo or something, the first lines made up for it. they're all magnificent!
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even if you argued
they came,
coated white
with needles
like blood-feeding mosquitoes>>>Holy mother of mary! What a beginning.No matter how many times I read you, no matter what I read of yours, I am guarenteed great poetry...You Rock Sweetie
no if's and's or but's about it...you are a master at emotional poetry
and 
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this made my day. really.
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you are too lovely.
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I loved the last stanza, very introspective; such a feeling of hopelessness.
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I love it when you post. I am always guaranteed to read something original. That is why I love my favorites. So many, yet they are all so unique.
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