More lovers have i had,
than you can shake a stick at,
but no more than one more love than you,
have i ever shared my time with...
i had moved on but never lost faith,
that someday you would see,
just maybe that you and i were fate,
lovers, meant to be...
one month left have i to go,
and you have yet to see my darker side,
for i would not let it show,
back when you destroyed my heart, my pride.
i love her oh so dearly,
but i know we are not meant to be,
like i thought that you and i were,
when you said that you loved me...
"ive grown up now"
do you know how that makes me feel?
like i was a childish game,
like nothing was ever real...
i am supposed to be the drunk one,
and yet i am more sober,
than your words of blatent ignorance,
your words of "being older"
i may have been sixteen,
and you just one year wiser,
but when we ended i became a man,
tired of sex and cider....
i had flings that you would gasp at,
did things that would make you blush...
i risked my life religiously,
just for the hell of it, for the rush.
but i found love again,
and this love may not be true,
but its more than i can say i had,
with someone such as you...
and so i leave you both,
but to her i bid farewell,
at least she loved me truly,
the 15 months were hardly hell...
were you "too young for love?"
now i think you are too old,
to understand its meaning,
has society taken hold?
and so i say goodbye,
and we shall never talk again,
what point is there in that,
when ill always be "your friend"
and i hope to god that you meet "him"
cos it sure as hell aint me,
i've grown up into a man since then,
but you wont get the chance to see....
im done waiting for you to realise,
done waiting for you to see,
ive got better things to do with my time,
so say goodbye to me....
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I can tell your heart was in it.
A break up is always hard when one side doesn't want it. I know where you are coming from. Since you have paid points to show your work here then I think it best to be honest with you (it is the only way to get better). Poetry is more about saying a lot with few words. In the poem, you have many unnecessary words. It makes the piece ramble, that, and the lack of punctuation. It is hard to tell what line goes with which. There is a difference between I'll and "ill". One is the contraction for "I will". The other is being sick. Spell check would do you wonders.
As for the content of the poem, there is a fine line between having a body old enough to be in a relationship (have sex) and having a mind old enough. The path to love should not be lined with heart breaks. The responce you got from her might be from how you treated her. Suggestion; take out the useless words, cut the poem down some, put in some punctuation (trust me this calls for it) and work on the rhythm of the piece. You listen to music. Pat out a beat on your leg. Use different words that mean the same but are spelled differently to help the flow if you need to.
You put a lot into this poem. It shows. You have raw emotion. It shows. There are just a few things you can do to make it more readable.
Now, having said all that you can take it and a buck and buy a cup of coffee. I gave you my honest assessment from where I sit. Whether, you make changes or not...Keep Penning. -
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wow!
in all my years of writing, which is quite a few, i have never had such an in depth and helpful comment! i am influenced greatly by the poet Wilfred Owen and also Wordsworth. They do tend to ramble on a lot, which i do kind of like, but i see what you mean about saying a lot in as few words as possible. I have never actually tried that you know, that's definitely a good place to start, if only to vary my writing style. in terms of punctuation, i was in fact slightly under the influence whilst writing this, i just never got round to correcting things
also, i was 16 back then, and she too was in the same sort of mindset as i, i do not think it was the way i treated her but more the distance that separated us, and also, perhaps naivety on her part, as well as mine.
oh and also i am in fact almost 19 now, still young but old enough to know how naive we both were, this poem is a sort of declaration of letting go of her, despite the fact that she does, now and again indulge in letting me know all sorts of things that one would normally assume to mean that she intended an "us" in the near future...but i am wise to that now, and this poem marks a new start.
I will try to neaten the poem up a little as suggested and thank you very much for the advice
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wow this is amazing! i really love this and can easily relate to it. you kept me interested throughout and i could tell you but your feelings into this. it flowed so smoothly to. great write!
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thank you! :)
i was beginning to wonder if anyone would notice it/like it! im glad that you did this particular poem really does mean a lot to me because it is the sequel to the most meaningful and emotional poem of mine, which was written with no pause to think, the rhyme came right out as it was written, its the only poem that i didnt have to think about to write. it marks a very important time in my life, so thank you for your comment on its sequel, written three years later, it means a lot to me
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your very welcome and i'll be sure to go read "when you kiss me" as well but i really enjoyed this one
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