Childhood memories transport me back
to bask in the smile she once held
for me. It was an idyllic spring
and we concocted such outlandish dreams
as children are wont to do when youth
lays before them in an endless stretch of days.
I recall how we whiled away the simple days.
Never again would we see them back
but we never minded, blinded by our youth
and all the childish fantasies we held
of happily ever after and similar dreams
that melt like snowdrifts in the spring.
Realization bided it’s time to spring,
allowing the years to pass by in a daze
and when we forgot to feed our dreams
we laughed nervously, looking back
over our shoulders at what they had held
when we had taken for granted our youth.
It was then that she went to Paris a youth
and returned without the usual spring
in her step. Suddenly jaded, she held
on to the bitter recollection of those days.
He took what she could never get back
and the truth of it shattered her dreams.
Not quite yet a woman, she now dreams
of carelessly discarding her youth
as a lover may callously turn his back
on a short-lived romance in the spring
of it’s existence. Those were the days
I spent longing for what we had held.
And longingly I watch the hand I once held
turn against itself, drowning dreams
in underage drink or a drugged daze,
mindlessly burying her own youth
alive before it had a chance to spring
forth from her, she sent it back.
So now the days pass with breath held,
but if I could go back to the dreams
of your youth, I would restore your spring.
Author notes
Challenge: to write a sestina.
Form can be studied here: http://www.baymoon.com/~ariadne/form/sestina.htm
Okay WOW this was definately a first for me and as such I am really uncertain about the quality here. Some of the lines and wording seem too... Simplistic? Uniform? Redundant? Awkward? Constructive criticism is welcomed provided you know what a sestina is.
The story behind this is of a friend whom I grew up with and called sister. When she was 15 she went to stay with a cousin in Paris and while there lost her virginity to a total stranger. He bought her several drinks and then date raped her in the bathroom of the pub. She came home a different person, angrier and more cynical. In college she turned to acts of self-destruction, and our friendship fell apart over the course of several years.
Picture credit: google images
In a list
A contest entry
- Oh No! Oh YES!!! SESTINA CONTEST by SteveS.
3500 points, ended September 17, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Form Poetry by KnightOfTheRose.
700 points, ended October 29, 69 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Very nice. I love sestina's So hard to write, you have greatly impressed me. Someday I'll write one. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to enter. Excellent work and best of luck in my contest.
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Wow! I do not have much experience at all with sestinas, but It did not sound forced or redundant, it's brilliant and intelligent. great job! Congrats on the gold!
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I think this is absolutely wonderful. Congratulations on the gold!
Sincerely,
Camille Morin -
Comment on a comment
Just a comment on Wayne's thoughts. I would agree that although the story is well told it is lacking in the proper depth of emotion for the tragic ending but I would attribute this to the difficulty of maintaining the sestina form. It does limit the creative expression of emotion, I think. I would encourage another writing, if you haven't already, without limitation of form that would allow full flow of the underlaying emotions. -
Your choice of words is natural and attractive on the page, and your voice is one of a breath held throughout...
now for the challenge (yes, even though you won gold)- I do not detect any emotion- I have a theory that the more a piece is beautified, the more the applicable emotion/rawness/impact is lost, so I'm wondering if that's what happened here- the subject is abuse, but you've presented it in a bouquet of flowers! (for which it won gold, not doubt- a novice usually likes 'pretty' over everything else)... so you have a pretty poem trying to present something terrible... I came away with how pretty you write, but the impact of the message was buried under it, and lost... So I have to ask, why did you write this poem? If it was to create a sestina and nothing more, then you succeeded (and with such a daunting form, that's all one can do the first time around, forget creating an impact with the piece! ) If you meant to have an impact on the reader over and above how pretty you write, especially on this topic, then you fell short... then again, the host said the piece was 'very moving' (and I cannot see why he would say that, because there is no emotion... maybe you hold it in reserve deliberately, as a person, and hence as a writer?), no anger, no cynicism, no self-destruction sensed... you did not present your feelings on the issue, or your friend's... (I'm still not sure how emotions in writing comes about, whether it is a difficult thing to do or not, and what value it has, and why hardly anyone puts any into their writing... so don't think I have all the answers! But for an emotional issue, I'd put the emotions into the piece...)
There you go, a gold, and a challenge...! (as well as a few questions to answer...) I'll be looking forward to your opinion on the first (my beautification/impact theory), and your reasoning on the second (why you wrote the poem)... and, of course, if you agree with me that there is no applicable emotion (emotional imagery?) in the poem... and any other question I sprinkled throughout (I have a never-ending supply of questions, it seems...! ) I wish you happy writing, and happy growth in writing, anyway...
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Wayne, I will agree that the poem could have had more depth of emotion. This was (as Katie Marie said) due to the difficulty in maintaining the sestina form, which was entirely foreign to me. I did not intentionally reserve my emotions, and my husband laughed when I read that portion of your comment aloud to him. Truly, no one has EVER accused me of reserving emotions... quite the opposite.
As for "beautifying" a ugly topic, my goal was to create a sense of beauty surrounding my friend's youth and innocence and leave the reader with a sense of loss and longing for that beauty, as was my personal experiece with the situation. The "bouquet of flowers" was her childhood, not her date rape experience.
This is my first sestina and I will admit that I entered this contest simply to learn the form and grow in my abilities as a writer. The prompt was "any story you wish to tell" and I chose one that was close to my heart. I wish I had known how to help my friend, comfort her, perhaps even prevent the abuse she levied against herself (drinking heavily and overdosing on painkillers). I wish our friendship had weathered those turbulent years. There are still many raw regrets and emotions there, but they are of love, loss and longing. So if you were looking for "anger, cynicism, or self-destruction" then you were bound to be disappointed.
I'm sorry that you were not moved by this piece, but yours is only one reader's opinion and this is but one of my poems. Thank you for taking the time to read it and comment, and I hope my reply answered some of your questions. -
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WELL! So you don’t hold back your emotions! That’s good, for your blood pressure at least... nice take on the beauty aspect, I did not pick up on that, maybe because it did not ‘turn’ dark in the end (and I’m not sure how that could be done, maybe word or phrase selection or mood, or by more obvious means, like visuals such as a different font, although subtlety is better...) as for helping your friend, that is a tough one, trying often helps just by itself...
I’ll have to read it again to find the love, lost, and longing, for I was looking for the expected anger and cynicism... and yes, it was but one poem, and I did not have judging you in mind, I was focused on the single poem... (heaven forbid I’m judged on one poem or one era of writing)...
Thanks for the response (where we can ‘judge’ one another, rather than a poem! ) I’ll see what else you wrote since your saying ‘this was but one poem’ indicates a range of writing... and I’ll await your future poetic writes, but such words come so agonizingly slow... (meaning it will be agonizing waiting for them! )
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I really liked this! It feels like you have good control of your material, the lines are tight, and the end words are well incorporated into the piece.
I am wondering, though, why you chose to capitalize the first word of each line- after going through all the work of varying the enjambment so nicely and making sure each line didn't end with a period, I think it breaks the flow a bit. Just a thought...I'm impressed with this poem. -
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That's just the way that I was taught to write to write form poetry. Old habits die hard, I suppose.
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Oh, this is so good! I loved the story (explained nicely in your AN) and how you unfolded it. The repetition of words was never apparent- always a fresh use of the word. I loved how you used daze in place of days, wonderful.
Best wishes,
A~
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Very nicely done such haunting sadness in those lines, a very smooth and touching piece.
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I am REALLY impressed. This is amazing. Good luck in the contest.
Sincerely,
Camille Morin
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oops, I forgot the clappies!
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sad and true ~ the nostalgia is haunting. yes, we do take our youth for granted. I think it is meant to be that way. your portrayal of all of this is stunning. I'm so sorry about your friend. maybe one day she will heal. that is a long road home...
best wishes in the contest.
karen
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Wow
I'm still working on mine. Excellent use of the form. Your writing flows very well and tells the story fully.
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First, you are to be commended for maintaining form. It is very easy to skip out of the proper sequence in the lexical repetition if you take your eye off the ball. This is a moving poem, I really was involved through each sestet. The concluding three lines, aka envoi, was well thought out and serves the poem well to drive home the impact and summarize the theme. As per your author notes, I do not see anything awkward about this. I like the way you had utilized "daze" as an interesting variation for "days" Well done, poet.
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thank you. that means a lot :-)
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perhaps it just felt awkward because I was using the same words over and over again. but that was rather the point, I suppose.
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First off I have no experience writing this type of poem. But your poem touched my heart deeply, no one should ever have this happened to them it will tear your soul apart. I am so sorry that your relationship fell apart, but it seems that when we are hurting for some reason we always push away those we love. Good luck in the contest, hugs Theresa
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