your shoulder brushed mine
as we passed each other.
you didn't turn around,
but i didn't expect you to, really.
i looked at you,
and you looked back.
i glimpsed the cogs
and wheels whirring
where your conscience
should be.
why would you smile?
why would you prove to me
that someone is happy,
some person can see
themselves without
cringing and looking away
when you know,
goddamn it, you know
how much it hurts.
irony saved my life
because it takes taste,
it's a fucking art to
be able to laugh at yourself.
Author notes
a haunting memory
A contest entry
- Introspection: a series -- round one by unraveled.
700 points, ended September 13, 2009, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
why would you prove to me
that someone is happy,
some person can see
i might change that comma to a question mark and move on.
when you know,
goddamn it, you know
how much it hurts.
dont really like the repetition here.
second stanza is brilliant.
content/creativity- 33
execution/form- 29
cohesion/balance- 17
total- 79
-
content/creativity- 28
execution/form- 33
cohesion/balance- 17
total- 78
I especially liked this for two reasons:
1. It flowed incredibly fast. I read it as fast as I could scroll. And I like fast reading poetry.
2. You are so straight-forward. I suppose this goes along with reading quickly. I appreciate that this is clear and honest.
The only downside:
it lacks the creative device/punch of a really strong or affecting poem. It's good, but not really memorable.
The first stanza was bland, but it sets up for the second, which was good. Third was mostly narrative. The last I thought was good, you look back and reflect on yourself, but it lacks the heart-dropping line that lets us know exactly why this memory haunts you so much.
Thank you
Cassidy
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