My hands are covered with calluses
passed through generations
of inequality.
Disease, hunger, discrimination:
all knots under my skin.
Beneath the weight of a harsh world,
compassion has faded to a whimper
and so many suffer alone.
But I am global. I am
the young girl who sacrifices dreams
to support her family,
the man who knows no friend
but hunger.
I am courage and faith,
companions to the lonely.
My callused hand shall clasp another
who shall clasp yet another;
together we will hold our mothers,
our children, our neighbors
to patient hearts.
We will sustain them
with our own lives
before they are lost forever
among the unmarked graves
of the weary and the forgotten.
Author notes
this is written for a poetry contest I'm entering. the topic is "What does it mean to be a global citizen?" and needs to take into account what some problems of the world are, what we should do about them, and what makes us global citizens. 25 lines or less.
I'd really appreciate critiques before I submit this to the contest.
Also, title suggestions :/
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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the immediate image of working hands puts this piece into sharp focus. those are the hands you want clasped with yours. hands that do. i think you covered that feeling well within your line restraints. though i have to say apart of me thinks that last stanza : before they are lost forever
among the unmarked graves
of the weary and the forgotten
while true to the overall thought, comes off as a lil mellow-dramatic. still i love the message and how you delivered it for the most part.
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"My callused hand shall clasp another
who shall clasp yet another;
together we will hold our mothers,
our children, our neighbors
to patient hearts.
We will sustain them
with our own lives"
soooo powerful, this is what global should be...wonderful poetry.
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I thought the twist from "suffer alone" to "but i am global" was effective - it marked the turning point, and it was powerful. And the ending is perfect, haunting.
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YES!
Yes, you are global! You are everywhere! So many with the same heart-rending story. Best wishes!
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honestly the imagery is amazing and the usage of that word 'global' is just amazing. you are on the wavelength sister. this is the world we live in. im looking for honest critiques i can make, it seems pretty damn well done to me, nothing i can add or take away.
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we are the world-ish
This pen is very strong. Your line breaks are appropriate ...not random. The title states the theme and the body actually stays focused on that theme, the message is cohesive and the form and flow are tight. I say you've done your homework. There is a picture on the net somewhere of a line of people holding hands,,,,the line stretches into the horizon. Oh if you could get that pic, what a statement it would make with this. Kudos....this is good.
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We will sustain them
with our own lives
before they are lost forever
among the unmarked graves
of the weary and the forgotten.
i love that ending. it encapsulates where you wanted to take this poem.
I am courage and faith,
companions to the lonely.
i didn't much care for that line, it was abrupt and a bit contradictory in my opinion. but otherwise, this is gold cass.
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thank you thank you!
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Beneath the weight of a harsh world,
compassion has faded to a whimper
and so many suffer alone.
Those three lines just struck me. How true has that become? I wouldn't change that at all. I got many images from those three lines. The elderly who are left, un-visited in homes, homeless men and women starving in the streets, lonely middle aged women, teenagers, the list goes on.
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I am
the young girl who sacrifices dreams
to support her family,
the man who knows no friend
but hunger.
these lines stood out for me. i really like them
together we will hold our mothers,
our children, our neighbors
to patient hearts
and also these.
i would probably try and change the concepts to images... for example
Beneath the weight of a harsh world,
compassion has faded to a whimper
and so many suffer alone.
maybe you could think of an image ... like a homeless person ( sorry if that sounds cliched)
sleeping on the pavement and people walk around and over him...
but i know it'll be difficult to do it in 25 lines ):
so that's my two penny worth. hope it helps a little (:
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