~
We defy nature when opposites attract,
melding us together in love's irony;
I thought time had it right until noticing
timers dwindle down.
We repel from each other with atomic
force to obliterate every memory
elements fight in efforts rising with smoke
as devils with wings.
We are personified by sky’s black-on-blue
bruises while teardrops trickle in sync with time;
acid rain collapses onto life to cause
cancer of the soul.
Sense disappears into the air of despair
beyond the mushroom cloud consuming colors
shaded into hues we never knew before
accepting our death.
Transformed, we discover truth in scars showing
dark marks that stare with grey eyes and façade’s sobs
secretly smirking at our love’s surrender
to corrupted skin.
Atmospheres become glum and guessed messes
confess sins and still evil wins over us;
a lonely fall into invisible dust
to be forgotten.
~
Author notes
Loose Sapphic Form ~ My first attempt at this.
http://allpoetry.com/column/2337109 ~ Details
PROMPT::
"i don't like emotional pain, not when it has the potential to destroy me...
it makes me have to grow an extra sheath of skin-
one that's never tried, or tested...just quite simply worn".
- Laura Lamarca 30th August 2009.
~
Allusion: "dark mark" - it is from Harry Potter. It is the symbol of Voldemort and his Death Eaters, who JK Rowling uses as symbols of the devil and his followers. The use of this allusion was very specific.
Assonance: "become glum" is one set of words. I used it frequently throughout the poem though.
A contest entry
- The Ultimate La-La Challenge: Round 3 by Laura Lamarca.
700 points, ended September 10, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comment por favor.
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Amera’s Score for
Skulls in the Sky: 94
First Impression: 10/10
Impact of title: 5/5
Originality: 10/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 5/5
Flow of sound: 3/5
General use of all poetic devices: 10/10
Focus/precision, concision & cohesion: 9/10
Mechanics: 5/5
Quality of form/syllables: 4/5
Personality/emotion: 9/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Diction/verbiage: 5/5
Syntax: 5/5
Last Impression: 9/10
Rubric score: 94/100
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Hettie's Rubric Grade:
First Impression: 9/10
Impact of title: 5/5
Originality: 10/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 5/5
Flow of sound: 4/5
General use of all poetic devices: 10/10
Focus/precision, concision & cohesion: 10/10
Mechanics: 4/5
Quality of form/syllables: 4/5
Personality/emotion: 9/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Diction/verbiage: 5/5
Syntax: 5/5
Last Impression: 9/10
Rubric score: 94/100
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Thanks Hettie
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Skulls in the Sky:
First Impression: 9/10
Impact of title: 5/5
Originality: 10/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 5/5
Flow of sound: 4/5
General use of all poetic devices: 10/10
Focus/precision, concision & cohesion: 9/10
Mechanics: 4/5
Quality of form/syllables: 4/5
Personality/emotion: 8/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Diction/verbiage: 5/5
Syntax: 5/5
Last Impression: 9/10
Rubric score: 93/100
Good luck!
laura.
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Thanks Laura, but what's up with the 4/5 in mechanics? I'm just curious... =/
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lOl Oh stop
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lol what's wrong with asking a question?
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this, for example:
"We repel from each other with atomic
force to obliterate every memory"
in L/S each line is like a breath, yet with these lines here, I would've presented them as such:
"We repel from ourselves with atomic force,
to obliterate every memory..."
thus making each line a complete breath - something I too learned through competing in this challenge.
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Okay, I understand your point of view.
In my defense though, I wasn't aware that each line had a breath pause (and if the column said "each line makes a complete breath" then I totally missed it.) With that said, I used line breaking technique to place emphasis on "force" - and I thought this was a good thing because i had the idea that this form was like free verse, only with syllable restrictions. This is all a result of my skewed perceptions of the form and lack of experience.
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it's ok...i too thought it was more relaxed than it is, yet as I looked at it through Mairi's eyes as the creator, I realised her intention with the form and the ease in which it flows when given one complete breath per line. We live and learn eh?
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Indeed.
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I think you have broken the flow of the lines a little too much; but there is some strong, vivid imagery.
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Thanks Mairi. I edited the first half - where I felt the flow was slightly off. Have my changes helped? And are there any other places you could give specific critiques regarding flow? I'd like to improve this, because I'm not quite sure if it's as good as it could be. Again, thanks for the honesty.
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This works extremely well. To me the visuals become more intense as this piece falls toward the end. I think your allusion used is quite original - many if had the choice would take something more known from HP and I think not only did you pick something you could create your own, but you did it well. Gawd, I try to make decent comment and then I read over it, I sound like a bit of a crackhead. Must be the early morning.
But what i'm meaning to say.. is this is brilliant. I think it's a little toned down from what I have previously read of yours but in saying that - not one drop less impactful.
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Thanks!
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I will have to try again
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Your writing is so mature for a Male of your tender years, you have taken this form to a piece of art. so many good lines and phrases worthy of praise, "rich imagery" Yes and I agree.
Soooooo sorry I have a tendancy to think that the world is all women.You see I even forgot the clappies -
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HAHAHAHA Don't let her fool you.
It's really a women -
LOL I am a MALE! But thank you.
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stun senseless best one i've read so far to be honest...i really like this..the way you worded..it makes it so poetic..and if this wasn't a form contest...i wouldn't have noticed that it was a form..which is a compliment..since personally i prefer free verse...this is lovely..well done! best wishes but I don't think you need it
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rich in imagery and emotion, "corrupted skin" I liked especially... personally I think the form limits flow, but think you have done well in this regard... good luck in this round..
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Thanks Kramer
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