Wet fingers are perfect for coddling candy treats,
and sharing flavors through the smack of sticky lips;
with barely healed bellybuttons and sandy feet.
The taste of emotion...unclaimed from tongue's tip;
she toddles, hand in mine, with footsteps just offbeat.
Brown eyes prefer green shades to limn summer's quip;
where life is more than coasters and spit-up dreams,
and promise clings to the air with avid screams.
Author notes
A Ottava Rima is a poem written in 8-line octives. Each line is of a 10 or 11 syllable count
in
the following rhyme:
one octive poem. abababcc
two octive poem. abababcc, dededeff
three octive poem. abababcc, dededeff, ghghghii
...so on and so on
A contest entry
- X Factor 3: Round One (Top 16) by traffic light.
625 points, ended September 3, 2009, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I would love a critical comment on how I can make these lyrics better.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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This is very sweet and quite a vivid description. The first three lines explode with imagery!
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Great title. As a new mother I have to agree with your assessment...180
Originality: 13/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 12/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 12/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 13/15
Overall opinion: 13/15
impact/reaction: 13/15
Mechanics: 13/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 9/10
Fluency: 8/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 1010
X Factor Bonus: 10/10
Total: 180
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Motherhood- A Diapered Adventure
Originality: 12/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 11/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 13/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 13/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 13/15
Overall opinion: 12/15
impact/reaction: 11/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 5/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 6/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 10/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 8/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/10
Total: 164
laura.
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Motherhood- A Diapered Adventure
Originality: 13/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 13/15
Line breaks/structure: 14/15
Cohesion/focus: 13/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 13/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 12/15
Overall opinion: 13/15
impact/reaction: 12/15
Mechanics: 5/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 8/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 8/10
X Factor Bonus: 0/10
Total: 173 -
159
I hate to break it to you...but...this is all in 12 syllables. =/
The subject matter is unique, but I do think this could have used some more poetic devices.
I wish you would have entered sooner...a judge could have helped you correct the mistakes, but I understand that you may have been busy...
but the poem is still enjoyable, that's the bright side.
Originality: 12/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 11/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 13/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 13/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 12/15
Overall opinion: 8/15
impact/reaction: 11/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 5/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 6/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 10/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 8/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/10
Total: 159
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Thank you for the comment and for pointing out the mistake. I worked forever on the damn syllables just to enter it in a stupid automatic counter that apparently can't count. I should have just counted them myself... though who knows I might have ended up counting them wrong myself anyway.
Yeh I wish I would have entered sooner too. I just started this new job and I was having a hard time getting my mind to pull around the poem and theme.
Anyway, sorry about the last minute entry.
Amy -
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I understand.
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do you mean 159?
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yeah lol
it's been a long day
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