Far away, my human child:
Where wild waters reconcile,
with the hope of harmony.
With fairy, you stay awhile,
watching the world form a new
once again. The few who see
that we can live without strife,
with the given life to be.
Author notes
Come away, O human child: To the waters and the wild with a fairy, hand in hand, For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
William Butler Yeats
# 24
A contest entry
- Unusual Form Rounds Contest by Little Eagle.
600 points, ended September 26, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
Thank you for your entry
I see you incorporated some of the prompt directly into your poem. While this is acceptable, I would have rather seen a unique perspective of the prompt instead of a rewrite of it.
Syllable count and rhyme scheme were right on target. Please see my rubric for further details.
I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.
God Bless
TammyCriteria
20-18
Exceptional
17-14
Innovative
13-10
Commendable
9-6
Competent
5-1
Emerging
Score
Prompt Development
Expresses and develops meaningful and original perspective on prompt
Expressive and developed treatment of the prompt
Adequate focus and development
Some focus on prompt but lacks development
Unfocused and unclear
14
Organization
Form of poem appropriately and powerfully addresses the subject , each line focuses on prompt
Form of poem is appropriate to the subject, focus maintained throughout
Form of poem is appropriate to the subject focus maintained throughout
Form of poem is appropriate to the subject, focus maintained throughout
Form is poorly constructed, focus is not maintained throughout
17
Poetic Language & Imagery
Sensory details and figurative language create vivid images that contribute significantly to the meaning of the poem; sound devices such as rhyme, alliteration, or onomatopoeia are used effectively to contribute to the meaning of the poem
Sensory details, figurative languages and sound devices contribute to the meaning of the poem
Sensory details, figurative language and sound devices may be overused, underused or inappropriate to the topic
Confusing or inappropriate use of sensory details, figurative language or sound devices
No use of sensory details, figurative language or sound devices
17.5
Use of Language
Word choice is vivid and exact throughout; grammar, mechanics and usage are correct, enhancing the thoughts and images
Precise word choice; no error in grammar, spelling and mechanics
Word choice occasionally vague, repetitive or imprecise; few errors in grammar, mechanics or usage
Word choices tend to be vague, repetitive or imprecise;
Consistently difficult to understand due to errors in grammar, mechanics and usage
18
Overall Impact
Poem captivates and inspires reader; is an excellent representation of the prompt/form
Poem attracts reader’s attention; is a good representation of the prompt/form
Poem is adequate and provides a reasonable representation of the prompt/form
Poem lacks inspiration
Poem fails to inspire
18
Length (five stanzas)
Disqualify any poem exceeding line limit by five lines
Total
84.5/100
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This is a very encouraging and uplifting poem. The idea that there is a place, and time, where there is no sorrow or pain... and inviting a child to become one with that place. I love the concept!
You do need to be careful, though... your piece doesn't quite fit the rules for the form we are using. Let me show you -
Far away, my human child: (7)
Where the wild waters reconcile, (8)
with the hope of harmony. (7)
With fairy you stand, hand in hand, (8)
watching the world renew (6)
once again. The few who see (7)
that we can live without strife, (7)
with any given life to be. (8)
From what I understand, with this particular form, every line is supposed to have 7 syllables. Now you do have the correct syllables on over half of this poem, but some of your lines have too much, and one has too few. Also, in the 3rd and 4th line of the first stanza, you begin with the word with. That's repetition you don't really need. Plus, if I remember correctly, your 4th line in that first stanza needs to end rhyme with your 2nd line... right now it doesn't.
You could do something like this :
Far away, my human child.
the wild waters reconcile
in the hope of harmony.
With the fairy, stay awhile.
I also don't really understand the last line. It just doesn't make sense to me, and it doesn't really fit. If it were me, I would have put something like:
Choose in life, what you will be. With a period at the end of line 7, instead of a coma.
Of course, these are just my opinions... you have a very sweet, gentle poem, here. I like it a lot! Good luck in the contest!
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Your prompt
Come away, O human child: To the waters and the wild with a fairy, hand in hand, For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
William Butler Yeats
Please do not write anything yet. Once the last spot is filled I will post what form you are to write in.
Please include this prompt and the number you have chosen in your author note. These are the notes below the text of the poem on the edit page where it says 'Any Notes'
Adding your comment:
